The Events that follow
by Tonks32
Summary: This follows both Ashley and Male Shepard after the destruction of the Normandy. Deals with Ashley's grief after his Death and leads up to the end of mass effect 2. Wow I suck at titles and summaries. Rated T to be safe for later chapters
1. Chapter 1

This is following my Shepard who was a space/war hero and picked Ashley for a love interest in the first one and stayed true to her in Mass effect 2. (though in my first play through I wasn't able to resist Miranda sorry but even as a chick I can say that she was hot!) Wrex is dead (tried to stop it but always failed for some reason) and obviously Kiaden is dead. though i didn't use the default settings for Sephard I will for the story so everyone can connect more. Okay so this is my first mass effect fan fic so please comment!!! I know there will be errors I'm not god and suck at spelling :D

* * *

Gone. Ashley Williams awoke with that single thought in her mind. How could he be gone? Maybe that wasn't Shepard she saw being hurled into space. She closed her eyes to block the image of watching his figure fade into the backdrop of space. What she could never forget was the feelings that lashed through her as she tried to get to him. Sure now she realized if she had tried to leave the escape pod everyone, including her, would be dead right along with Shepard. But then all she could think about was getting to him, saving him. Now she had to face the bitter reality that he was gone.

"Good to see you up." Chakwas' face loomed in her vision. It was evident the doctor had been doing her own share of mourning.

Ashley had to admit it was good to wake to a friendly face, but it wasn't the one she wanted. Rubbing her sore neck, she forced herself to sit up. Her limbs felt like lead and her head was pounding like a freight train. "Where am I?" She softly wondered searching her surroundings. It was some type of medical bay, but where they on another alliance ship? "And how did I get here?"

Chakwas looked away ashamed, "you didn't leave me any chose Williams." Because she was still angry with herself, she paced away from the bunk, "you weren't thinking straight. No one could calm you down, I mean you were ready to open the hatch and follow him to death. I had to sedate you, you've been under for almost a day."

She should have been angry, but the grief for the man she loved was too great. Swinging her legs to the side of the bunk she gripped the edge to keep her from falling forward. The grief and pain were so heavy that it was almost impossible to keep her balance. "He's really gone isn't he?"

As a woman she could hear the horror in her voice and knew that Ashley had cared for him more then just her commander. It wasn't like she hadn't already known. Shepard's quarters were across the wing from hers and had witnessed on more then on account Ashley sneaking by when she was sure everyone had retired for the night. Chakwas took a seat beside her doing her best to comfort, "the universe lost a great man. One that can never be replaced." Her throat tightened with tears once more. In her whole career she had never been so honored to serve with anyone except Commander Shepard. He was truly a one of a kind person, leader, and friend. One that could never be replaced in minds of the crew he left behind. The doctor swore no man would ever deserve her tears, but for Shepard she had oceans of them.

Tear's stung the Chief's eyes but she fought them tooth and nail. "It's my fault." She grinded out the words between her clenched jaw. She closed her eyes against the bitter emotions swirling inside her. She wished that she could have seen his face just that last time, so she that would be the last thing she remember of him. Not seeing him in that damn helmet. Wanted one more chance to memorize the face she already knew. "I should have helped him get joker out. Just maybe then he would still be here. Maybe-."

"If you did that then all the people you helped get out would be dead. Shepard would want to know that while he may have died his actions still saved dozens of lives." Chakwas whispered placing a hand on her shoulder. Her heart ached when she felt it shutter as the tears came.

Ashley knew what she said was true. If Shepard could he would save the galaxy and even give his life for the cause if he had to. That's what she loved about him. He would try to do the impossible, get people to follow him into battle, and save the galaxy and wanting no recognition in return. When he became a Specter he was humbled by the notion, but it wasn't something he threw into people's face to show how better he was then them. Now nothing he did would matter. She was pretty damn sure the new Council was already trying to throw smoke over his operations and even his death. They needed Shepard for all the wrong reasons and his death would put a snag in their plans. The geth and Reapers problem would fade from the news pages because with out man like Shepard there was no taking them down.

Her chest heaved and grief cut her at the knees as she finally processed what she was thinking. "He's gone." She whispered over and over again as the tears streamed down her face. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. Shepard deserved a long life after everything he sacrificed. He saved so many lives from Elysium to the Citadel nearly dieing a dozen times in the process. Why was he to sruvie all of that to die now? Sobbing, Ashley pulled her legs to her chest and buried her face into Chakwas' shoulder. She had just lost the only man she loved and she wished she had died as well. There was no way should would be able to face life with out him. For the first time in her life she cursed God.

* * *

No the greatest thing but I had to write it down and see where it goes from there. Sorry its so short, but I wrote this on my lunch break. hope you enjoyed please comment good orbad I like them all!


	2. Chapter 2

The following days were all a blur to Ashley. There were debriefings, meetings with the new council, and lots of crying on her part. She kept up a good front when in front of most of the crew, but those who knew her knew that she was on the verge of breaking down. Each day was harder then the first. Everyone was taking about Shepard in the past tense and her mind refused to believe it. The last night before they were granted shore leave, Ashley stormed out of Andersen's office because he had told them the crew would not be granted to do an investigation into the _Normandy_'s destruction. In fact they were not to mention why they were in that sector to begin with. For the first time in her career she was crude and disrespect to a commanding officer, well Councilman in this case, but in her mind he deserved it. After everything Andersen had done to help them stop Saren and Sovereign, it was a slap in the face to Shepard and everyone who served under him to say that it was all a waste of time. It was Andersen's request they went out to that damn sector, it was his fault that Shepard died.

The crew all stayed together on the shore leave instead of scattering like usual. They all knew there time together was short, so they wanted to remain a family as long as they could. Ashley was beyond grateful when Tali offered to room with her. Despite her bitter feelings towards aliens, Tali had become a great friend in their travels. She was the one whom she talked to about her feelings for Shepard and possibly was the only the only one who knew just how much she loved him.

"Have you talked to your family?" Tali asked breaking the silence of the room. The Chief was silently unpacking a small bag almost mindlessly. She wished to the creator that she knew what to say to her, but she was buried in her own grief. If it was for Shepard. Just thinking his name had tears building up and she was grateful for her mask. Shepard had gone out of his way countless times to help her on her Pilgrimage it was the reason why she stayed with him when she should have left. It was an honor to serve under such a great commander. There was no **quarian alive **that could ever live up to the human.

Ashley paused for a moment. Word of the Normandy was bound to be start spreading soon. Everything told her to pick up the Comm and reassure her family that she was alive, but just couldn't bring herself to do it. "I'm going to take a shower." Was all she said.

Tali frowned after her.

The warm water was refreshing. She bowed her head to let the water beat down on her shoulders. The warm feeling it created brought back butter sweet memories. She closed her eyes to try to block them only there was no stopping it. She needed those moments she shared with Shepard, if she lost them then she lost herself. So she let it take her over completely.

_ All she wanted was a shower. Her body was broke and bruised almost every where and was in no mood to handle any questioning. So as cowardly as it was, Ashley had abandoned Shepard to talk to Andersen about what the hell had just happened. They had survived the impossible. Though the fight had damaged the Citadel heavily, searn was dead and so was Sovereign. There was a moment there she was sure she had lost Shepard, but to her relief he came limping out of the rumble with a shit eating grin on his face. Yes Commander Shepard, first human Specter and captain of the __Normandy__, had stopped the Geth attack from wiping out the entire Citadel. Sure the council had been lost but so many lives had been saved in the process. If it wasn't for rules and regulations, she would have leapt in his arms and kissed him silly. She laughed at the imagery of that. If she had tried they both would have hit the ground, it was only because of the adrenaline that they were moving in the first place. _

_ By some miracle she made her way to the __Normandy__ undetected. Half the Citadel was in shambles and she was surprised that the __Normandy__wasn't working to help with the clean up. What eve reason she was grateful there wasn't a soul in site. Locking herself in Shepard's quarters she carefully stripped herself of her armor. She looked at herself in the mirror and grimaced. Where her armor had ripped there were long gashes she had put med gel on to help ease the pain. They were to her right shoulder and hip. The rest of her body was beginning to darken with bruises. It wouldn't be such a bad thing to get checked out, there was no telling if she was walking on broken bones with out an exam. But she wanted a shower and by god she was going to get one. Then she was going to hunt up Shepard, find a quite place, and make love to him until they were to weak to speak._

_ Because her thoughts had preoccupied her, she hadn't heard Shepard's door click and whoosh open. Ashley nearly lost her balance when the shower door opened but found herself in familiar arms before she could fall. Panicked, Shepard pulled her against her clothed body, "Ash?" He whispered brushing her wet hair from her face. _

"_Jesus Shepard just stab me next time." The rest of her curse was lost as his mouth descended onto hers. Fully cloth, Shepard stepped under the hot stream holding on to her for dear life. The desperation in his touch and kiss had her knees trembling. She found something oddly comforting about having her wet body pressed firmly against his clothed body. His hands sparked a thousand fires in their path as he cupped her face, "John?"_

_ It was the first time she ever spoken his first name. The shock of it had her drawing away, "I just-." He took a moment to collect his scattered thoughts. Once Andersen took him away he was filled with this unexplained anxiety. He had to see her, to make sure that she was actually safe. He was reassured time after time that his crew was indeed safe, it didn't help ease the pressure in his chest. It only eased the moment he saw her in the shower and acted without thinking. "God Ash I just couldn't- I needed."_

_ She cupped his face being careful to avoid the gash he had acquired during the battle, "We're okay." She assured struggling to hold back her tears. She wouldn't shed them now, she wouldn't be weak. "We're alive." _

_ Just hearing it wasn't enough. He had to feel it and by the way Ashley clung to him he knew she did as well. Effortlessly, he hoisted her up on his hips turning her mouth back to his. With much struggle, Ashley managed to peel his soaked shirt from his body. She only had a moment to take in his injuries before they were falling onto his bed._

Ashley shook away the memory now huddled in the corner of the shower with her knees bugged tightly to her chest. They didn't have enough time together. There was so much she wanted to tell him that night and the others that followed. They never had much time to speak outside of the bedroom and even within the safe guards of the walls not much was said. Their time was too precious to waste with words. But Ashley thought they had all the time in the world, now she was left with knowledge that he never truly knew how much she loved him.

Tali switched off the shower. Ashley had even realized that it had gone ice cold. "Come on." She handed the chief a towel before helping her to her feet. It was like moving a doll. There was just no life left in her anymore and that broke Tali's heart. She was always the one who was the most outgoing on the ship. Always there to share stories in the mess hall or engage in games of poker to round up the crew. The marine always had a smile. Now Tali wondered if Ashley would ever smile again.

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yes no maybe??? I don't know everything i write doesn't sound right but here it is. sorry to me is sounds like I'm being repetitive and I'm trying to fix it hopefully next chapter. enjoy


	3. Chapter 3

She couldn't do it. Ashley looked at herself in the mirror and frowned at her reflection. She was skinning I due to the luck of eating, her cheeks hollow and her face pale. Time was suppose to help heal. But so far it was making it worse. She was a shadow of a woman she could hardly remember. Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams was almost a stranger now. That gun blazing, adventure seeking bad ass person w us no more. Without Shepard that person will just continue to be simply a memory. Just thinking his name had he burring he face in her hands fighting back the tears. Today she was suppose to put one brave face and pay he final respect to Commander John Shepard. There was no way see could find the strength to do it. Andersen had also chooser her to give the final Eulogy. How was she suppose to go in front of half the alliance without breaking down like a complete idiot? Plus this wasn't what Shepard would want. Andersen was only doing this to keep his legacy going only to better the Alliance. Shepard wouldn't want strangers to cry over him, no he would went all those who knew him to celebrate his life. When Kaiden died, the Crew gathered in the mess toasted his life and spent the rest of the night celebrating the mar who was a solder, friend and brother. There were tears of course, but there was also laughter helping ease the pain of the sudden loss.

Tali knocked before pushing her way into the room. Ashley was sitting on the edge of the bed in her dress blues sobbing silently into her hands. She swallowed he tears before she spoke, "It's time."

"In not going." And that was final.

"Yes you are." Tali corrected, "We are all going because we can't do it alone."

"He wouldn't want this." Ashley looked up when the bed shifted.

Tali wished fur once they could talk to each other without hr musk hiding the emotions. "Ashley, I know you don't want to go." she reached for the Chef's hands. "I can't do this on my own."

Gathering her emotions, Ashley stood to straighten her dress blues. She glanced at the lone medal on the dresser. The entire crew of the _Normandy_ had received some time of accommodation for the 'Heroic' efforts in the Terverise. Ashley had done nothing to deserve the medal. It was because of her actions that Shepard was gone. Shaking her head clear, she glanced back at Tali, "okay then."

Who were all these people? Ashley looked out through the crowd and tried to put name to all the faces. The Alliance Embassy was seated up front next to Councilman Andersen, Admiral Hackett, and other officials Ashley had never seen. The rest of the rows were flooded with the dress uniform of the Alliance Navy and Marines, people who only knew Shepard because of his legacy. The crew of the _Normandy _had all huddled together near the middle facing a table that housed a single Image of Shepard along with his N7 armor and his medals. Flanking the table were two flags. One representing Earth and the Other the Alliance.

It was a parade, it was the only way Ashley could describe it. There were just people, whom Shepard never met, speaking about his bravery and heroism. To her it was just the brass making Shepard a poster boy for the Alliance. A way to get young people to all riled up to defend humanity and make a difference in the Galaxy. To go a great adventures just like the great John Shepard. Ashley scuffed at the thought. Shepard would have hated every minute of this.

God Shepard how am I suppose to get over this? She silently wondered closing her eyes to trap the sudden tears. On better thought, how the hell was she suppose to get up in front of all these people and share personal things about Shepard to all these strangers.

Tali must have figured where her thoughts were leading because she reached over and squeezed Ashley's arm.

Too soon it was Ashley's turn to talk. Everyone had spoken except for Joker who hadn't showed up. And good thing too, Ashley dimly thought as she forced herself to stand on her trembling legs. In her current state she would say a lot of hurtful things because if he had just left the damn cockpit this whole ordeal wouldn't be happening. With each step she took her legs began to feel a little bit heavier. Everything around her just felt so dark and cold. She rounded the table and felt herself tumbling hard into the world she had been trying to tell herself didn't exist. A world without Shepard.

With her heart in her throat, she turned to all the waiting faces. She stood there for a few moments scanning the sea of people trying her best to find her voice again. "Shepard-." Her voice cracked and tears began to build. Stay strong solider, Shepard's voice rang in her head. "You could travel the Galaxy for thousands of years and never come across another John Shepard. He had this way about him that had men following him into hell. He was a great leader and solider. But he was always a great friend. Always listened when needed and never turned you away when you had something to say. No matter how small you were he made you feel like you were some one. He made me-."

Tears fell unchecked down her face as he remembered those conversations upon the _Normandy_. No matter what she had to say weather good or bad, nagging or advice, he simply listened. Then her mind shifted to those stolen ones they shared when no one was around. Just thinking of them had her heart wrenching, "I'm sorry." She pressed a hand to her mouth and the other to her stomach to stop the sobs. "I can't do this. I just-."

Unable to finish her words, Ashley rushed down the ailse and straight out the door leaving the entire room to look after her in wonder.

* * *

Sometime later, Garrius, Tali, Liara, Joker, and Chakwas joined Ashley in a lone table at the local bar. Sweeping the train of her black dress under her, Liara sat with a bottle full of a glowing blue liquid inside. "That was just torture."

"Half those people didn't even know her. Bullshit." Garrius grumbled pulling up a chair.

Ashley finally lifted her head from her folded arms, "it wasn't what he would have wanted."

"Exactly while we're here." Chakwas explained signaling the waitress for a round of drinks. She made sure they were something that it was human. Not that she didn't trust Liara, she just didn't want a drink that was going to kill her. "Us together with some alcohol and embarrassing stories."

Ashley smiled her eyes blood shot and her throat raw, "sounds perfect."

"Joker why weren't you there?" Tali wondered pouring herself a healthy size portion of Liara's bottle and pushed it into Ashley's hands. Getting drunk at the moment seemed like a great way to curb the sorrow, but for her it would have to work until she was in a safe environment to remove her helmet.

The pilot shifted his gaze suddenly transfixed on his drink. Most of it was guilt. He knew that if he hadn't been so damn stubborn then Shepard wouldn't have had to come back for him. If it wasn't for his stupid disease then he could have gotten to the escape pod with out the fear of breaking a bone. "I met with the brass before the ceremony." He knocked back his glass sighing as the liquid burned down his throat. "I've been grounded. I'm pretty sure once they get their claws on you, you won't get any better news. They know I'm no good with out a ship, Andersen wasn't even shocked when I quit."

"You quit?" Ashley softly wondered. No matter how much she made hate the man at the moment, she didn't wish this for him. Joker was like her, the Alliance was their life.

"What's the point in staying? They're never going to give me a ship again. Especially since I disobeyed direct orders when we were grounded and followed Shepard instead." Joker just shrugged. "There was no other way."

Garrius frowned, "I'm afraid I've got no place here anymore. There is no way I'm going back to c-sec." He looked to Liara, "what are you going to do?"

"I find myself at a cross road really. I finished my life work, yet I'm to young to simply retire. I mean I have centuries left and have not a single notion how I'm going to spend them." Liara confessed.

"Now that you're done with your Pilgrimage, are you going back to the Migrant fleet?" Chakwas asked the Quraian.

"It seems like the next logical step in my path. Shepard was kind enough to give me some information that should help our fleet." Tali remembered the feeling of gratitude when Shepard had agreed to give her the data as a gift for her Pilgrimage. He could have said no, properly should have, but he had known that she would use the knowledge for good.

Ashley found herself draining another glass, "I feel so lost." She admitted motioning Liara to fill it again. She just wanted the ache to go away and fast. "I wish I hadn't followed his order, maybe then he would still be here."

"No Ash." Joker corrected, "it's my fault. I thought I could save the ships, I was stupid. I Should have gotten into the pod when you told me to."

"None of that." Chakwas waved her hands to clear up the air. They would not wallow in the guild tonight. No it was about celebrating the life of a great friend. "Shepard was too stubborn to do anything other then what he did."

"An a bit arrogant." Liara smirked, "but at least he had a great sense of humor."

"I never pictured Shepard one for pranks. In fact I thought switching of all our lockers was Joker's doing. Not his." Garrius laughed at the memory of trying to put on Wrex's armor before he released it wasn't his own.

Ashley felt the corner of her mouth lift ever so slightly, "He wasn't to keep Morale up. It was the reason for those all night poker games in the mess." He would throw rank out the window, pull up a chair and creak open a bottle with the rest of the crew. It made them respect him more. "God I loved him so much."

Chakwas placed a soothing hand on her shoulder.

"I never told him." She confessed her voice breaking with fresh tears, "I thought we had all the time in the world."

Liara made sure she kept her voice clear of emotions. Ashley hadn't been the only one to fall for Shepard, but she was the lucky one to have her feelings return ed. She couldn't hate Ashley or Shepard for that. "You were happy together, all of us could tell."

Ashley laughed, "and here we thought we kept it quite."

"You did for the most part." Joker assured, "we had a pool going for a long time. I think it was after the Cidetal did we actually catch you guys."

She felt the heat creep up her neck, "who won?" She wondered.

"I did." Chakwas smiled, "it was only because his quarters were across from the medical bay. Plus you two were almost always together just simply talking. That and he never seemed to hustle you at cards."

"Excuse me."

The voice had everyone looking up and the next moving to stand up.

Hannah Shepard held up her hands to keep everyone in place. "Please don't." She softly begged. Today she was not an officer, she was simply a mother mourning the loss of her son. That's why she had to leave the service. Everyone was treating her with such respect that it was almost sickening. "May I join you?"

"Of course." Garrius was the one who stood to get another chair.

Ashley couldn't look the woman in the face. Her eyes, they were the same as Shepard's. Plus what did she say to the mother of her dead lover? Of course Shepard had spoken of his family, but it was just simple stuff. Though on one occasion he had spoken highly of his mother of how she had already tried to do what was best for him. He had never once spoken of his father though and she never pressed.

Hannah let the silence linger for one more moment before she broke it by reaching across the table for the half empty bottle. "Okay so who has the most embarrassing story of my son?" She wondered and the entire table broke out. It warmed her heart beyond words that everyone at the table spoke about her son so highly. Not just as a solider, Hannah noted much to her relief. She had feared with his youth being surrounded by the Alliance Shepard couldn't be anything more than just a marine.

With a slight buzz, Ashley wearily pushed away from the table. It didn't surprise her that the bar near closing. To her it was a much better way to honor Shepard then with that Brass media circus. "I think I need to call it a night." She bowed to her crew, "no matter what the morning brings know it's been a great honor to serve with each and everyone of you."

"You know I don't think I've ever seen Williams drunk before." Joker smirked.

"Shut up." She grumbled. To her surprise, Hannah stood, "Ma'am?"

"Do you mind if I walk back with you?" Hannah softly asked. Once Ashley agreed, she bid good night to her son's crew and headed out. "I wanted to speak privately with you. John had mentioned you in his emails."

Ashley looked at her as if the woman had three heads, "he did?"

"You meant a great deal to him." She assured slipping her arm through Ashley's to keep her upright when she stumbled. "He told me about your family history and how he wished he had the power to show the brass that they were making a mistake with you. He said you and Kaiden were one of the greatest soldiers he ever had the privilege of meeting."

"Shepard was the extraordinary one." Ashley corrected.

"Would you grant me a personal favor?"

"Anything, Ma'am."

"Hannah." She insisted turning to face Ashley fully, "would you grant me the permission to get to know the woman that my son fell in love with?"

All the emotions she had kept bottled in throughout the evening just came out in rolling sobs. She stepped in Hannah's arms and soaked up the comfort she offered. "Permission granted."

* * *

not totally happy how this came out but oh well. I figured that Shepard wouldn't want a bunch of people crying over him. And i couldn't really think of any good pranks so sorry for that. I think this could have turned out better. Please let me know what you think. Again all mistakes are my own. and i do not own any of these characters, just borrowing them :P


	4. Chapter 4

_OOK it's a plane, it's a bird. No it's Commander John Shepard :P okay am I the only one who thinks of him as some type of future superman? Anyways this chapter is set two years and 12 days after the destruction of the Normandy. Don't worry it's not word for word from the game, what kind of story would that be? It's already written for you. Please read and review if you like to. I know they're going to be grammar issues and spelling, if anyone would like to be my beta reader to catch them then feel free to ask. Not that I don't enjoy constrictive criticism, i just already know of the errors so i don't need to be reminded._

His head was splitting. That was the first conscious thought that entered Shepard's mind before the aches and pain of his body. He felt slightly feverish and every breath felt like he was moving lead out of his lungs instead of air.

_Shepard wake up!_

He tried to shake the voice. Come on joker, he couldn't quite get his voice to work. Just let me sleep.

_Commander Shepard, you must wake up._

No, he silently answered back. His mind wasn't working all that well but if his last memory was correct then he deserved to rest. No that couldn't be right? He found himself correcting his thoughts as he vegaly remembered being hurled through the blackness of space. Was this heaven? After much struggle he finally managed to open his heavy eyelids. He groaned as bright lights blinded him. God Ash, Shepard gave a soft chuckle, you'd never believe where I am.

_This facility is under attack!_

His body jerked when the voice came from above him. Facility? Where the hell was he? Taking a moment to take in his surroundings, Shepard pushed himself up groaning as the brutal pain came in waves. The ground swayed beneath his feet making him grasp the edge of the table for balance. Medical equipment, monitors, and storage lockers surrounded him. Far to advance equipment for any medical bay he had seen on the Citadel or colony. Wasn't he supposed to be dead?

"Shepard, there is a gun and armor in the cabinet near the operating table put it on and get ready to fight."

Finally, Shepard found the source of the voice coming from an intercom. There were so many questions, but for some reason he couldn't form them. She had said they were under attacking. His instincts came rushing back only problem was there was no weapon on his side. "What the hell is going on?"

"Shepard you need to move fast. Get the armor now!"

Doing his best not to show any signs of pain, he limbed his way to the lockers. Inside there was an advanced set of N7 armor and a pistol. "There's no heat sink." He called out feeling stupid to be talking to someone whom had no face. For all he knew they had be behind the attack on the _Normandy_ and kept him as some sort of lab rat. The lights flickered above as an explosion rocked the room.

"You'll have to find one." The Voice told him this time it came through the comm in his suit.

He took a moment to study the voice. It defiantly belonged to a woman and there was a hint of an Australian accent, which made her human. So that lead the question, who did he piss of to have a human kidnapping him?

"Move Shepard. You don't have much time."

Against his gut, Shepard moved forward. Like she had instructed he found a heat sink, jammed it into his gun, and aimed just in time to take out two mercs. It felt good to feel the kick of the gun in his hands. It made him feel like he was on stable ground even though his body was about to keel over. Forcing himself to keep his head clear, he rushed through the first double doors.

*****

How he made it out alive, Shepard wasn't all that sure. After meeting up with Jacob then Wilson, it began to all blur together. They were mercs everywhere. Somehow the whole entire attack had come back to being Wilson fault. Before he could ask too many questions he laid at his feet with a bullet in his chest from the mysterious woman in white. If he had been in the right frame of mind he would have taken time to admire her looks. A man who have to be dead, which some how he wasn't, to miss her beauty. However before he could get the chance, he was swept inside a transport and racing through space.

Miranda figured she had given Shepard enough time to catch his breath though he hadn't gotten his color back, which worried her. Waking him up was the last thing she wanted to do. Two years wasn't quite enough time for him to heal from his injuries or adapt to his upgrades. But if she hadn't, then he would be dead thanks to Wilson. "Are you all right?"

Shepard nodded wordlessly. His chest burned, his ribs ached, and his head was pounding. He felt like a morning after shore leave only he didn't have to good memories to go along with the horrible feelings. Taking what he learned from Jacob, he lifted his gaze to settle on Miranda. "He filled me in a bit, but I want to know what happened to my crew."

Her brow furrowed as she spoke, "Navigator Pressly didn't make it. As well as a few crewmen from the lower decks."

Shepard was surprised that she actually sounded somewhat remorseful about their fate. Then his mind went reeling, the armory was on the lower deck. "What about Ashley Williams?"

So the rumors were true. Miranda couldn't picture Shepard ever being involved with some one. Especially a fellow crewman well in this case crew woman. He looked like a tumble in bed and that's it type of guy. "Survived." Her suspicions were confirmed with he let out a small breath. "As far as I know she stayed with the Alliance." He didn't say anything though it seemed like he wanted too as she began to fiddle with her omni-tool. "Now, Shepard, it's time to ask you some questions and evaluate your condition"

Jacob finally jumped in, "Come on, Miranda, more tests? Shepard took down a bunch of mechs without any trouble. That's got to be good enough. Saved my ass, sounds like John Shepard to me."

"It's been two years since the attack," Miranda simply stated not realizing that she had once against turned Shepard's life upside down. "The Illusive Man needs to know if Shepard's personality and memory are the same as before. Ask the questions."

"Wait." If there were room to allow, he would have shot to his feet in anger as her words sank in. "Did you say two year? Was I out that long?"

"Two years and twelve days." Jacob supplied, "and you were on the operating table for most of it."

"The sooner we start," she said, "The sooner we can get done."

Two years? Two goddamn years! He wanted to scream in complete frustration. What happened in that long span of time? His mind went to Ashley and he found he wanted to cry. He was pretty sure she figured him dead and by this point had moved on. No! No Ashley wouldn't give in so easy. There had to be some rumors, he was sure of it. He was clinging on to that hope and vowed when he could he would send word to her. He answered the first question with out much through to it. Everyone always asked about the Blitz and wanted to glorify his actions. The truth be told he was scared shitless the entire time, but he was a bred solider so he acted like as such. People died that day, but for some reason people only saw the people he saved. The next question had his gut wrenching.

Miranda sat up a bit straighter as if to prepare herself for what she was about to ask. "Let's try something more recent. Virmire, where you destroyed Saren's cloning facility. You had to leave one of your squad behind to die in the blast."

"First Lieutenant Kaiden Alenko was KIA. It was your call. Why did you leave him behind?" Jacob asked.

Shepard dropped his face to his hands. Why? God how could anyone ask that question to him? It's not like he woke up that morning and said I think I'm going to let Kaiden die today. Ashley had asked him about his death as well. She was so pale and frightened that it was because of their relationship that Kaiden died. He had given her the best answer he could. He stated that he weighed the pros and cons of each person and their position as it pertained to the mission. Since Ashley had went to the nuke site it was logical that he went back to her to make sure the bomb went off because if it didn't that meant the mission was done for. He told her that she was the logical choice because she was a good soldier and her skills would provide useful for the future of this mission. Even though that statement was correct, he hoped she never found out that he had lied to her. No matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise, his feelings for her weighed heavily in his decision.

"I lost a friend that day." Shepard finally crocked out. _I don't regret a thing Commander_. He found himself gripping his hair for control as Kaiden's voice rang through his head. "And I sure as hell didn't do it casually. But I had to save as many people as I could. Kaiden Alenko gave his life for the rest of the team, and he was a hero. Without him I would have never stopped Saren."

They asked a few more questions and deemed him the same Commander Shepard that had save the Citadel and there for their standards. After that, Shepard retreated into his mind trying not to dwell on the fact to much that two years had passed.

*******

Shepard asked to use a restroom before he saw this 'The Illusive Man'. Thankfully Miranda hadn't asked any question and pointed him in the right direction. Making sure he was alone, he braced his hands against the sink struggling with his breathing. All the sudden he felt like he was having a panic attack. Everything he learned in the past hour just came rolling over him like a title wave. With a ragged breath he finally looked at himself in the mirror and froze.

The long scar he had beneath his right eyes, an injury from the Blitz, was completely gone. In its place were thin almost glowing red lines alone his jaw, cheek bones, and forehead. He leaned closer. He didn't look any older. The only real difference, beside the scars, was his ink colored hair was a bit overgrown. It usually was enough to just cover a fraction of his forehead, now it swept across his brow and fell over his ears. Curious, he stripped himself of his shirt. Some of his battle scars were gone and there more of those glowing red scars streaking across his body. Other than that he seemed to be in the same fit condition he was before the explosion, even though he felt like he could barely lift a pillow at the moment.

In the quite his mind went to Ashley. How was he going to explain this all to her? There was no telling what had been done or said in the last two years. And now that he had been brought back to life by Cerberus and Alliance was her blood. He wanted her here, with him. To help him find some sort of level ground and just know that he didn't have to question her trust. Most of all he just wanted to hold her. He loved her, he found himself blinking in surprise. He had never been in love before. From the beginning he knew that there was something different he felt about Ashley, but love? If she ever spoke to him again he had a lot of explaining to do.

Hoping they left everything else intact, Shepard replaced his shirt and went to go meet this 'The Illusive Man'.

*****

"_Keelah se'lai_, Shepard." Tali gave him a wave and then he was gone.

Shepard wished she would come back with him. It would be good to have a familiar face around, but no such luck. He knew her long enough o understand how important a mission was to her. So he wished her luck and boarded the shuttle with his two Cerberus' companions. Now he found himself facing a bigger problem than he anticipated. The Collectors were a much bigger problem than the reapers. They had spent the last two years targeting human colonies and this time did heavy damage. Why hadn't the alliance done anything to stop this? Could they ignore the fact that the reapers were still out there after what happened at the Citadel and his ship? There were so many questions and not enough answers. He knew not to ask Miranda or Jacob, somehow he knew that he would just get stone walled. So he kept his mouth shut until he saw the Illusive man again.

Commander Shepard. Good work on Freedom's Progress. The quarians forwarded their data. Nothing new, but a surprisingly olive branch, given our history with them. You and I have different methods, but I can't argue against your results." The Illusive man stuffed out his cigar as Shepard began to appear in front of him.

"Maybe you should try playing nice once in a while, see where it gets you," For some reason Shepard felt like smiling at the comment.

"It's often difficult to make good when the side you're negotiating with sees you as a threat," he said lightly. "Fear and power work just as well, too. _But_ more importantly, you confirmed that the Collectors are behind the abductions."

"Why were they suspects? Entire colonies are too big of a package for them."

"I had my suspicions, but I needed proof. The Collectors are enigmatic at best. They periodically travel the Terminus Systems, looking for seemingly unimportant objects or specimens in exchange for greater tech and resources. When the exchange is made, they disappear as quickly s they came–back through the unmapped Omega-4 relay. Until now, we've had to evidence of direct aggression from the Collectors."

"I get the sudden interest in humans, but how exactly do you know they're working with the Reapers?"

"All the signs were there," he said easily. "One just had to know where to look. And the fact remains that one man–one very specific man–is all that stands between humanity and the biggest threat we've ever faced. Freedom's Progress was just a stepping stone, and it has to stop. At any cost."

Shepard crossed his arms over his chest trying not to wince in pain. He just wanted to sleep. "If you want me to take out the Collectors, then I'll need a good team."

"Of course. I've assembled dossiers on some of the best. I'll foreword them to Miranda and you can take a look at them."

"I had a team." He corrected trying to think if all of them would just up root their lives to help him. Epically since he was not working with the Alliance this time. They commit insubordination and all but stole an Alliance craft.

The Illusive man explained how each of them are out doing their own things and have no real reason to join him on his quest. He really didn't listen to hard as he started rambling of his candidates knowing that Miranda knew each of them already. He would never understand what made his crew so successful with his fight against the reapers. He was only one man, but with his crew they could take on the galaxy. There was no doubt in his mind that all of them, well most of them, would join him if he asked.

Finally The Illusive man pulled out another cigar and flicked open his lighter, "Also, we've gotten you a ship and a pilot I think you can trust."

Shepard caught himself before he could scuff. Him trust anyone that he recommends was laughable. He rolled the kinks from his neck as the images began to dissolve.

"Hey commander." Shepard could recognize that voice anywhere in the Galaxy. He couldn't believe his eyes as he stepped out and saw Joker standing there with his shit eating grin on his face. ""Just like old times, huh?"

"Son of a bitch!" Remembering to be gentle, He grasped the pilot by the shoulder. "I can't believe it's you!"

"You ain't kidding, I saw you get spaced." He reminded adjusting the Sr2 ball cap as they began to walk. Seeing him eased the guilt just ever so slightly.

"Got lucky, with a lot of strings attached," Sheppard wondered not knowing the extent of those strings just yet. "How'd you get here?"

"Everything fell apart without you, Commander. All that trouble you stirred up, the Council wanted it _gone. _Team was broken up, records sealed, and I was grounded. The Alliance took everything that mattered to me–hell yeah I joined Cerberus."

He took Shepard to a window looking out into a dark room and stopped

"You really trust the Illusive Man?"

"Well, I don't trust anybody who makes more money than I do," he said, "But they aren't all that bad. They saved you. Let me fly–and then there's _this." _He crossed his arms, looking smug.. "They only told me last night." He gestured towards the observation window.

Shepard squinted to see the outline of a ship. One by one the lights over head flickered on and his eyes went wide. It can't be! SR2 was painted on its front lasers beside a large Cerberus symbol. Other than that it was just like the _Normandy. _ Smiling, he leaned against the ledge, "we're going to have to give her a name."

Joker patted the commander on the back grinning again. It was too good to be true. "Welcome home, Commander. Sorry about getting you killed."

For the first time Shepard laughed, "I don't regret a think Joker. Come on let's get a board."

The inside was just as impressive as the outside. It was slightly different, a few noticeable upgrades, different paint and new faces. But it was his baby. The Normandy was back from the dead just like him. And this time they were going to stay alive. Taking in the site, he made his way to the comm room finding Miranda there with Jacob.

Miranda looked up from the data pad and noted that the color was coming back to his face. But he did look tired and he was favoring his right side again. "Welcome home Commander."

"It's good to be back." He leaned against consul and a large blue holographic pop-up sprang to life causing him to jump back. Part of him wanted to laugh as the circle open and close in time of the words it spoke trying to replica a mouth.

"I am the _Normandy's_ artificial intelligence," it said. The tone was human and female, didn't make it any less creepy thought. "The crew like to refer to me as EDI."

Shepard couldn't help put poke his finger through the Hologram, "Joker is not going to like this." He muttered.

"I do not helm the ship," said EDI. "Mr. Moreau's talents will not go to waste. During combat, I inhabit the ship's electronic warfare and cyberwarfare suits. Beyond that, I cannot interface with the ship in any other way. I observe and offer advice, nothing more." With that, EDI disappeared.

He glanced at Miranda. He had a feeling EDI wasn't the only surprise he was going to find on this ship. "Anyone else I should meet?"

"The crew is at their stations, ready for orders," Miranda informed setting the data pad on the console. "Talk to them when you'd like. Meanwhile, I'll be in my office on the third deck. Ask EDI for directions if you need them."

Jacob took this cue to leave as well, "Umm I'll be in the Armory if you need me."

Taking this a cue to look around, he went to the bridge to find Joker all but twirling in the seat. Smiling, He leaned against the hull, "someone looks comfortable."

"Leather Seats!" Joker exclaimed wiggling his but as if to emphasis his point. "So much better than an Alliance ship. We're staying right."

He was glad that he could still count on Joker to make him laugh, "I'm glad to see where you priorities lie there Joker."

"Leather Seats." He reminded, "what's on your mind Commander."

So much it was hard to sort out exactly what he wanted to say. How could the Alliance ground Joker? He was the best damn pilot in the Alliance, saved his ass more time then he could count. After everything they did for the Council how could they just ignore everything about the Reapers as if it never happened? Shaking his head, he asked the one question that he wanted answered at the moment, "do you think if I ask, Ashley would join us?"

The Pilot's face dropped, "I don't know Commander." He replied hating the anguish he saw on his friend's face, "I mean we kept in touch but after I was grounded I resigned and she stayed. Not even a month after the _Normandy _destruction and they divided us. They didn't want us to close together in case we got the idea in our heads to go after the Reapers ourselves. I think that's partly why she and some of the others stayed to make sure that their voices were never silenced. Of course she got promoted and sent out the deep pockets of space, but she's still fighting for you."

Part of him was happy that she cared enough about him and the mission to put herself in an awkward position. Andersen probably didn't have much of a say in what happened to her, nevertheless he still felt some resentment towards the Council man. The Reapers were still a treat for Christ shakes and he ignored it because of the political pressure and because of that missed on an even bigger threat. "Alliance is in her blood, she wouldn't just up and leave because things got tough." He wouldn't expect anything less of her. But a part of him wished that she would join him. He needed her here.

"Ah commander." Joker stopped him before he could turn, "she took your death hard. I know you two were together. She couldn't even finish her speech at your funeral. Seeing you again will cause both pain and joy, so just be careful on how you tell her you're alive."

Shepard nodded, "Funeral?" He softly asked, "Was it any good."

"Nah." Joker waved his hand at the memory, "half the crew dipped out and got drunk, just like you would have wanted. Even your mother joined you."

"My mother." Ah shit, he silently grumbled as he came to yet another road block. How in the hell was he going to explain this to her? She didn't want him to join in the first place because she knew how dangerous this life was, but he enlisted anyways and look what happened to him. "Thanks Joker."

not as long as I wanted it, but I figured I needed to break it up here because I am skipping a lot of the game speeches. I don't feel like going back to the game and writing everything done, plus I think it takes away from the story I'm trying to tell. I'm trying to show what happened between those loading screen I guess :P. Any ways hopefully you enjoyed enough to stick around. I promise Ashley and Shepard's reunion is maybe two chapters away. Now sure if I should give Shepard three chapters by himself like I did with Ashley, thoughts?


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry this took so long, but the freaking pollen count has been so bad that all I do when I get home from work is sleep because my eyes are all but swollen shut. Ugh hate Florida some times. Anyways I'm still looking for a beta reader if anyone wants to help on that so yes there will be mistakes and I'm sorry for them. Other then that enjoy!

* * *

Shepard awoke with his breath caught in his throat. The total darkness and the lack of air getting to his lungs sent him into a full-blown panic. He began to claw at a helmet that wasn't there and couldn't seem to draw the oxygen that was. Only when he hit the floor did the shock of the pain knock him back into the right frame of mind. Struggling to control his trembling body, Shepard found himself curling into a ball in the coroner of the room. "Lights." His voice was just loud enough for the command to go through. In an instant the darkness was gone and he could find his breath again. His own actions shocked him. The great Commander Shepard afraid of the dark. He dropped his damp face to his hands. Wasn't he aloud on moment of weakness every now and again? After all he was human and had been technicality dead for two years. For the first time in his life he succumbed to those foreign emotions.

God he needed Ash. It was the first time he could ever really recall needing someone before. Not even his mother. Growing up on star ships all his life he learned pretty young that he only had himself to rely on. Both his parents were far to busy with their work, his father more then his mother. Being alone gave him more time to train himself to be only the best. His Biotics, even before Cerberus, were always top notch. In the academy and every field test since he scored perfect marksmanship. He was a solider through and through which meant for a very lonely life. Of course he had friends, flings, and even girlfriends, but nothing like the relationships he had about the first _Normandy_. A part they were almost the misfits of the galaxy as Kaiden had once said, but together they were a family. A family that he dearly missed.

Once he was sure he could stand, he pushed to his feet hating feeling so weak. Miranda had told him to rest, but just to spite her he went about the ship to meet his new crew. It was great to see that there were a few familiar faces. Seeing Chakwas was a pleasant surprise to say the least. He hadn't realized just how loyal his "family" had been to him. They had committed treason for him before the destruction of the first Normandy. They even fought to make sure his death wasn't in vain and wanted to continue the fight against the reapers. Once the crew was reassigned most of them left the Alliance because it basically wasn't wroth the fight anymore with out him. That made Shepard feel more worth then he felt for their loyalty. Chakwas could work anywhere or even open up the private practice that she once spoke of, instead she left the life she had created through many years of the alliance to join Cerberus. No them, Shepard silently corrected himself, Chakwas made sure to remind him several times she worked for him.

Seeing Tali again didn't really help his heat ache any. He had asked her to come and he could tell that she was dieing to say yes, but life wasn't the same anymore. Tali had a mission of her own now and couldn't drop everything to run around the galaxy with him. But he was grateful that she still kept in contact with him. Thanks to Kelly Chambers who was a just bit to perky for Shepard in his current state had old him that Tali had sent him a message. He was glad that he waited until his quarters to read it. Tali had attached several photos and vids of the old crew that almost made him cry. Thinking of them, he looked at his desk to the photos he had posted in the once empty frames. There was one on the far left of the entire crew right after they left the Citadel to start their hunt for Saren. To the right of it was one of Tali, Garrus, and Wrex huddled in the mess hall debating on a topic he couldn't remember. The last one had been taken unannounced. It would turn out to be the last one ever taken of Kaiden. The crew had gathered to play a game of poker to help relieve some of the tension that had started to build between missions.

"_Williams you have to be cheating." Kaiden accused as he once again watched Ashley sweep up the chip to had to her already huge pile. _

_Ashley beamed at him, "are you accusing a fellow crew member of cheating. Do I detect a sore loser?" She playful asked shuffling the cards for another round. She had already knocked out two crewmembers from the engineering deck, Jokers, and Presley. Several others threw in the towel because she had won almost every hand so far. _

_Kaiden rubbed his temple trying to keep his headache from escalating to a full-blown migraine. "No, there is just no possible way that a person can be this good at cards."_

"_Well when you've been ground side like me for so long you get good at it." It was something she was still bitter about, but no one on board seemed to care about her family history. She was sure they all knew just they saw her skills first handed and knew she was a great solider despite the tarnish on the family name. "No whose deal."_

"_Mine." Shepard reached for the cards his body stiffening when his hand brushed hers. For a second there eyes met and heat suddenly engulfed him making him uncomfortable all the sudden. Cursing he yanked his hand away praying that no one had noticed, "actually I'm going to call it a night."_

_Garrus stated to argue missing the blush creep on Ashley's face, "Come on next to William's you have the most chips. We sure in hell can't win them from her, you're our only target."_

_Ashley kept her gaze on the chips in front of her. Shepard was the most confusing man she had ever come across. It had been almost two weeks since they found themselves in a position that broke every rule in the book. Its not like she meant it to happen and sometimes it felt like Shepard thought they way. He had come to talk to her after Liara joined their crew like he did most times after any debriefing. But this time was different because she was stupid enough to let it slip that she had feelings for him. And he had said that he had them too in his own way. So all was well until the ship gave a jolt and then next thing she knew she was on the floor underneath Shepard. Time stopped then and for the longest moment she thought he was going to kiss her almost wished it. Maybe she had imagined it but she swore that his head began to dip as to complete the act. Then something snapped in his crystal eyes and the before she could blink he was on his feet, helped her to her own, made some excuse and bolted out of the room. Ever since then they hardly spoke to each other unless they were in a group environment like this._

_Shepard glanced at Ashley from the corner of his eye and thought it best to put as much distance between them. Being near her so often made him forget that there were rules that prevented him from acting on the feelings he had for her. "I got to check in with Joker and make sure we're on course. You guys have fun and try to wipe that smirk from William's face." And with that he left the mess hall. He wondered if anyone would dare mention that he didn't go to the bridge but to his own quarters which to him was a huge mistake because he could still hear Ashley's laugh from the mess. Good god what was he doing? He scolded himself as he dropped to his bed. He knew better then develop personal feelings for anyone under his command and yet here he was damn near fantasying about Ashley almost every chance he got. That why he had been trying to be so distance in the last two weeks, but it seems that it didn't help so much._

_As his door whooshed open with out warning, he sprang to his feet to see a very anger Ashley glaring at him. "What?" He asked innocently, "is something wrong?"_

"_I want answers and now." Ashley demanded shoving at the lock button to make sure no one interrupted this conversation. She had left Garrus and Wrex to their games once the rest of the crew disbanded. She would have to be blind not to the look of mass confusion when she stormed towards Shepard's quarters. _

"_I'm sorry?"_

" _I can't stand this anymore Shepard. One day you don't talk to me at all, the next you look like you're going to bite my head off, then your rude, and finally you back to being nice. You're giving me whiplash." Ashley let the words fall from her lips with out thinking too much. If she stopped now she would never get it all out and this tension between them would only get worse. "Did I do something to offend you? I know I have the tendency to talk with out thinking and if I did-."_

_Shepard held up a hand to stop her, "you've done nothing."_

"_Well I sure in the hell feel like it. You won't even look at me anymore."_

_Shepard took a single breath before he spoke, "it's me Ashley. The day in the armory I shouldn't have I mean I-." Why did he feel like a damn teenager all of the sudden? "I feel things for you that I shouldn't because I'm your commanding officer."_

_She didn't even let him blink before she launched herself at him. Since he was much taller, she had to force his lips down to hers. He stood there rigid as a statue almost as if he was afraid to move. After a few moments, she drew away, "there I'm in trouble because I preached protocol. Not you so no more-."_

"_But I kissed you back." Shepard corrected. _

_Ashley stared at him as if he had three heads, "no you d-." The rest of her words were lost as he swooped down and crushed his mouth to hers. Everything inside her came alive at once. On a mingled sigh, she threw her arms around him as her mouth worked furiously against his. Shepard lost himself in her taste savoring it deathly afraid that this wouldn't only be the first kiss but the last. Trying not to think about the mission ahead he lost himself in the first woman he could ever recall wanting this badly._

_He did his best to be gentle, but the raging emotions inside him weren't listening. Before he knew it, he had her trapped against the hull of the ship and his body groaning when she lifted herself to latch on around his waist. This time she was letting him take control, but he knew that there was a she cat underneath that layer. One he couldn't wait to release._

_They fell to the bed in a mass of tangled limbs their bodies quivering with laughter and need. Ashley reached a hand to his face, her fingers tracing the scar beneath his right eye. "I don't think I've ever heard you laugh."_

_Shepard thought back and found she was right. "I guess there hasn't been much to laugh about these days. I guess you bring it on of me_

"_Its good to know that." Her heart was pounding in her throat just from the feel of his hard body pressed so intimately_

"_There is no going back, Ash." He corrected. "Believe it or not I've been miserable the last two weeks. I feel something for you that is to great to ignore. And I know there are rules, but I think we're both adult enough to make sure this doesn't get in the way of any mission."_

Shepard shook himself from the memory as Joker's voice broke through the Comm. "Bridge to commander."

He made sure his voice was clear of any emotions, "what is it Jokers?" He asked forcing himself to look away from Ashley's photo.

"We're nearing Omega, Figured you'd want to gather the team."

"Thanks Joker."

******

Well that was three down, Shepard wearily thought as the walked through the Normandy. Having Garrus back was great though his gut twisted with guilt every time he saw the Turian's face. He should have been quicker, should have had Miranda or Jacob covering the flank. Or maybe he should have gotten Jack first. With her Biotics she could have taken down that gunship with a blink of the eyes. He had never seen anyone with so much power before. Kaiden had been blessed and Miranda engineered with great Biotics, but Jack had something they couldn't touch. He was glad that she was on their side he just hoped that she would stay there. He still hadn't made up his mind about Mordin. The Salarian could talk circles around him leaving him dazed and unaware of the direction of the conversation. Miranda had good things to say about him and if he learned anything in the short time with her, she didn't give her approval very often.

Putting them from his mind he started towards the elevator. It was about damn time he sent word to Ashley. He had been trying almost every moment he had free but would only get a few words in before he scraped the email. What he wanted to say should be face to face except know on knew where she was. Andersen did but he wouldn't say a word as long as he worked for Cerberus. That enraged him beyond words. After everything he had done for that man and for the Council, they once again left him in the wind.

"Commander the Illusive man would like to see you in the Comm room." Kelly informed noting the irritation in his eyes she quickly added, "he says it's important."

"Thanks." He mumbled changing courses to the Comm room.

*****

(On Horizon)

God where was she? Shepard wanted to scream the question. He was expecting her to be around every corner and so far nothing. The only sign that Ashley was even here was that Alliance hating colonist who told him to leave her to die because that's what she deserved. That only made the need to find her triple. He vaguely remembered fighting through waves of husk, collectors, and one really giant ass bug looking thing. Then the next thing he knew the collectors ships was taking off and that colonist was back cursing at him. Like it was his fault that the collectors selected this planet out of the hundred of thousands in the galaxy. Shepard bit back the urge to strike the man, the only woman he allowed himself to love was on that damn ship.

So it was almost like a dream when Shepard caught site of Ashley walking out from behind a stack of crates. Her body was sluggish and her armor tarnished from her own battle. Sheppard was aware her mouth was movie but couldn't bring himself to do anymore then bask in the site of her. Ashley was okay! Like a schoolboy he wanted to shout it to anyone who would listen.

"I thought you were dead." Ashley buried herself in his welcoming embrace. It brought back so many painful memories. No matter how much time had past she knew that she would always fine the comfort of home there. "We all did."

Shepard held on for dear life afraid that any moment he was going to wake from this dream and find himself in the vast blackness of space again. He was aware that Garrus and Miranda were standing there trying to focus their attention on other things, but for the first time he didn't care. The mission didn't care. All that matter was the woman in his arms. "It's been to long Ash." Reluctantly he drew away, "How you been."

Behind him Miranda winced at the impersonal question. As a woman she was sure that wasn't what Ashley wanted to hear right now.

"Is that all you have to say?" Ashley cursed as tears found their way into her voice betraying her cool exterior. She didn't want him to know how much she had hurt, not yet. "You just show up after two years and act like nothing happened." Struggling with her emotions she began to shift her weight back and forth not sure if she wanted to hit him or hug him again. "I thought we had something, Shepard. I loved you."

Loved. The anger in that one word was like daggers to his heart. God why did he wait so fucking long to contact her?

Ashley didn't leave him room to speak even though he tried to break in, "thinking you dead tore me apart." She shoved at his chest silently cursing when it only made her hand sign in pain. "How could you put me through that." Tears slid unchecked down her face as she remembered his body floating through the black abyss of space. After years of praying the he was alive in some way caused Ashley more pain then she thought it would. Everyone kept telling her to move on even his mother and she had tried, but deep down she knew she couldn't. She felt him, as cliché as that was, she could feel in her heart that he wasn't dead. When she should be happy to say to see him, the hurt was too great to let joy in. "Why didn't you try to contact me? To let me know."

"Ashley I did." Shepard finally cut in feeling a surge of anger at her actions. Did she honestly think she meant so little to him? "It's been two years for you, but only weeks for me. Part of me thought that maybe you moved on. I didn't want to believe it."

Shamefully Ashley dropped her gaze from his, "I did or at least I thought I did." She confessed, "but damn it you knew the moment that I heard wind of your return I would have rushed right back to your side. Then I heard the Intel of you and Cerberus."

"Reports?" Garrus broke in letting them both know that they had an audience. "You mean you already knew?"

Shepard couldn't believe his ears. She actually thought that he would join forces that was hurting human colonies? The thought almost made him laugh if the situation was any different. "I joined Cerberus because the Alliance turned their backs on me Ash, what was I suppose to do? Just sit back and let human colonies continue to disappear-."

"I wanted to believe that you were back, but I never expected anything like this." Ashley glanced at Miranda and scowled at the logo on her armor. Her beauty was almost like another slap in the face. "You turned you back on everything you believed in. You betrayed the alliance." She finally leveled her gaze back to his tears swimming in her amber eyes, "you betrayed me."

'I would never betray you, ever!" Shepard lashed out grasping her by the shoulder, "you're letting our history cloud your judgment. You know me Ash. You know I'd only be doing this for the right reasons. I want to save these colonies and the Alliance doesn't want to listen to me. The collectors are working for the reapers."

"I want to believe you." She honestly replied, "But I don't trust Cerberus. And you're too blinded to see that they're only manipulating you."

Shepard was aware that current line of conversation was getting under Miranda's skin. He couldn't understand her loyalties to Cerberus and respected that as he respected any belief his crew had. But now wasn't the time to voice that, not with Ashley. He was grateful when Garrus broke in once again.

"Damn it Ashley you're so focused on Cerberus that you're not focusing on the real threat."

"You're letting your personal feeling getting in the way of the true facts." Shepard tried to stress the point only to get nowhere.

"Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus for bringing you back. Maybe you're not the one thinking straight." How could Shepard do this to her? Turn his back on everything that they worked so hard for. Kaiden would spin in his grave if he heard this. "You've changed. I know where my loyalties lie and that's with the Alliance. I'm sorry Shepard."

Shepard could actually feel his heart breaking. This wasn't how it was suppose to happen. Part of him understood that the Alliance was in her blood that she felt like she had to prove something to herself and her family. But was he really asking her to give up her belief? He needed her by his side to stop this threat to humanity as long as it was saved why did it matter whole was putting up the funding for it? "Don't go Ash. I could use you, you know that."

Ashley had her back turned to him, "I'll never work for Cerberus." She glanced back at him hoping that this wouldn't be their last meeting. No matter how much she might hate him at the moment, she wanted him to live through whatever he was about to go through. "be careful Shepard."

Stunned, Shepard watched her go. This was not how he pictures their reunion to be. Of course he expected some anger on her part, but this. He flinched when Garrus touched a hand for his shoulder. Only then did he realize that he had said something. "What?"

Garrus knew first hand just how much his death had torn Ashley apart and he acted for both parties. "You should go after her."

He really wanted to, but if he wanted to keep his manhood in tacked then he knew better then to follow her. What she needed was time. "Joker.' He cursed at the way his voice cracked, "come pick us up."

****

Miranda gave it some time to go see Shepard after his chat with the Illusive man. From what Kelly told him he looked pissed off even more before going into the meeting. She wished there was something she could do or say. For some odd reason Miranda found her heart aching for the commander. That was an emotion she had never allowed herself to feel ever. When she stepped off the elevator she heard loud thuds coming from his quarters causing her to rush forward. Miranda wanted to rush inside only to find that Shepard had sealed his door, something he hadn't done since the day he boarded the Normandy. Something hit the other side of the door so hard that it rattled the steel.

"Shepard." She pounded but she doubt he could hear it over the racket coming from the other side.

Shepard let out a soft howl of pain as he sent the last thing he could hurling across the room his Biotics causing the desk to smash it into pieces. For the first time he wanted something to kill, to go into a battle looking for that fight and death. Anything to ebb the rage inside him. Now he was forced to remember Jenkins and his eagerness before they landed on Eden Prime. Which lead to more despair. God he just wanted it to all go away. Moving through the debris of his office, he dropped himself to the edge of the bed. At times like this Shepard wondered if the fight was worth all the loss. Worth all of the things that he missed out on because he always put duty first.

"Shepard what is going on?" Miranda's voice finally made it through his head.

Cursing, Shepard tripped over a broken chair and kicked the bottle of Brandy that Chakwas had mentioned. "What?" He asked after the door whooshed open.

Miranda glanced back at the destruction of his office and raised an eyebrow, "spring cleaning Commander?"

A scowled crossed his face, "is there something you wanted Ms. Lawson." It came out rude and later he would feel guilty about it. "Because right now I have little patience for any Cerberus personnel."

His words hurt more then a physical slap to the face. "Well I just came up here to see if you were okay. Jacob said that it sounded like the collectors were ripping through the hull of the ship. Now that I see its just some man's stupid rage, I'll go back to my work. Good day Shepard."

Shepard didn't have it in him to argue, so he simply let her go. "EDI tell Joker to set a course to Illium."

No happy reunion yet but don't worry it will come I promise. I just want to put a little bit more angst in there before that happens. The next chapters will have little to no game play or dialogue, I tried to get around it here but you can't because of the horizon mission. So stay tuned working on the next chapter as we speak. Please read and review thanks!!!


	6. Chapter 6

Sorry it to so long to put this up, I've been sick as a dog. Plus I've had a monster of a writer's block so hopefully this is some what good. Thanks for my beta reader Master Hybris for looking at this!!! Again enjoy and let me know what you think. No that I'm over my hump, I've already got the next chapter almost done!!

Ashley spent the first few days of her leave locked in her apartments with a nice size bottle to keep her company. She never was one for drinking alone or to cover up pain, yet it seemed like the perfect thing to do after running into Shepard. She wanted to block out most of what he said especially the part about him trying to find out where she was. Yet there was no way she could after her meeting with the Council. After her report, Andersen had simply stated that Shepard had already came to the citadel to not only ask for the Alliance help but to find her location. It was like two bricks hitting her square in the face and forcing her to look into the truth to his words. Could she really blame him for going to Cerberus after the Alliance had denied him? Shouldn't Shepard's death be proof enough about the collectors? So why did Anderson and the rest of the damn council shrug their shoulders and stick their heads under the sand?

Ashley rolled the shot glasses between her hands as she continued to wonder if maybe the Alliance was the one betraying them. That maybe for the first time Cerberus intentions were better for the galaxy then the Alliance. Was it any wonder why she turned to the bottle? All of her beliefs and loyalties had turned all sideways so she no longer knew what was wrong or right. The Alliance was her blood so she should side with what ever the brass and Council decided, yet she was struggling to wrap herself around it this time. They were not putting the people first because they didn't want to be looked at like a fool. "Damn it Shepard." Tears slid down her face as she cursed his name. She thought that she had cried all there was for the man. Seeing him was almost like a dream and now that her head was on straight she regretted a lot that she had said to him.

Thinking of them, her gaze flickered to the terminal where the half composed message was on the screen. Was it even worth it to send it to him? After how she acted she couldn't blame him if he just moved on. It wasn't like he had far to look for someone. Unexplainable rage roared inside her as she thought of Miranda. No doubt that she was laughing at her and helping Shepard cope with the loss of her. God how could one woman look so perfect? Miranda Lawson was every boy's wet dream come to life. Even her voice screamed sex. Woman like Ashley, a simple down to earth alliance gal, couldn't even be held in the same category. So maybe it was best that she just erased the message and Shepard from her mind and move on. Again. That would be giving up, a small voice in her head reminded. And a Williams does not just sit back and let another person win. A Williams were born to fight. Blinking at the screen again, Ashley leaned over the keys and finished the message. This way no one could say that she at least didn't try to get Shepard back.

OOoOoOoOoOoOo

Illium had turned out better then he thought. Even though he felt bad for the way he treated Miranda after horizon, he wasn't sure exactly how he felt about helping her. He was hesitant at first because he didn't want to waste precious time that could be used to stop the collectors to help tie loose ends for Cerberus. But he begrudgingly agreed at first only because it so happened Illium was the place to pick up two more crew members. then she had taken time explained what the favor really was. Shepard had been taken aback by the other side of her that she let show as she begged to help her younger sister escape the fate she had with her father. She dropped the tough girl act and lowered her walls to allow him to look at her for possible the first time to be simply a woman. So he helped her and found great satisfaction that it brought her some type of peace and at the same time hated the feelings that it started to stir up. He was not about to give up on Ashley and no matter how hard it maybe he could refuse Miranda's beauty.

Maybe just his dangerous lines of thinking had him agreeing to the brandy that Doctor Chakwas offered. He defiantly wasn't one to drink, especially not on his ship. What ever the underlying reason was it felt good to just unload all his stress. It helped to spend some time with a familiar face that was willing to stay by his side. Seeing Liara was another punch to the gut. Another reminder how much has changed in the last two years leaving him scrambling to catch up.

Chakwas' laughter and movements had Shepard's attention snapping back as she finished up her story of Jenkins. It was very amusing to see this side of her. She bounced to her feet roaring with a mock battle cry that Jenkins had said before collapsing back into her chair urging more bourbon into his glass. The doctor smiled at him as if he was her son. Shepard had forgotten just had welcoming her presence was at times.

Shepard raised his full glass, "to those we lost."

Chakwas clinked her glass to his, "to those we lost."

He wasn't sure exactly how much time had passed or how much Bourbon was consumed. The only thing Shepard knew is when he stood up the room began to spin. No wonder why Chakwas only made it to the nearest medical bay. Doing his best to act sober, Shepard staggered out of the med bay with ever intention of getting to the elevator. Now if his brain was working right, then he would have actually made it there and up to his quarters to sleep this off. But it seemed like his feet had a mind of his own as he cut across the mess hall towards Miranda's office. Before he couldn't think twice about what exactly it was he was doing, her office door whooshed open and he blinked at Miranda as if he was dreaming.

Miranda hit a wall of flesh and cursed when Shepard crumbled like a house of cards. "Commander." Tossing the data pad aside, she knelt down to check of injuries. When she finally looked at him she nearly smiled. "Are you- you drunk Shepard?"

The corner of his mouth lifted, "just a little." He raised his hand and measured with his thumb and forefinger causing Miranda to laugh. The sound was rusty, but beautiful. "So you can laugh."

"Yes and you can let lose. See we learn something new every day don't we Shepard." Smiling, Miranda hooked her arm around his waist and struggled to help the commander to his feet.

"Do me a favor." Shepard braced himself against the wall before releasing his weight on her when he was sure she wouldn't drop him. "Sneak me past Yeoman Kelly, she sees me like this and she'll never leave me alone."

Doing her best to lower her heart rate, Miranda shuffled with Shepard to the elevator. She wasn't blind to how her body reacted whenever he was near. She just did whatever she could to ignore it chalking it up to being out in space with very few men to pick from. Well at least that's how she explained her feelings until after he helped her get her sister to safety. Still pissed off after Horizon, he put aside everything and risked his neck for her fresh and blood. He could have refused and made some excuse that the mission came first. He had every right to do so, but that wasn't the Commander Shepard she had spent the last two years learning about. Wasn't the Shepard she found herself falling for ever since he woke up.

Cursing, Shepard tripped over a lose shoe and toppled onto his bed face first. "Just leave me here." He waved her off, "just make sure someone finds my body by morning."

Miranda tugged off his shoes, "you don't drink much do you?"

Shepard shrugged and with great effort rolled over onto his back. "Never really ever had the want to until tonight."

The Cerberus officer frowned at the statement as she threw a blanket over his frame. She took a moment to study his face. It wasn't healing as it should now the once thin red scars looked almost jagged as if cut open by a scalpel. He hadn't been taking great care of himself since Horizon. Acting out of character and making harsh decisions without really much thought. Everyone knew he was grieving silently over what happened with Chief Williams and it was affecting everything from his body's healing to the mission. But it seemed that Shepard was past the point of caring these days.

When he reached up a hand to her face, she let out a murmur of pleasure. For a moment she swore he was going to kiss her and then he spoke her heart shattered. "I've missed you so much Ash." He whispered looking at her with such admiration that it made her want to weep and kill Ashley Williams at the same time.

"I know. Sleep." Miranda patted his hand and he dropped off like a rock.

_Ashley groaned as the light began to sweep through her closed eye lids. "No." She pulled the sheets over her head trying not to hiss in pain. Only a week after the battle at the citadel and her body still had a lot of healing left to do. "Come on we're on leave that means no need to get out of bed."_

_Shepard's chuckle at her ear sent shivers down her spine. In that moment her body came alive. Pain forgotten, she kicked the sheets aside and rolled on top of his lean body. Ashley arched a brow at him, "why are you dressed."_

_Lovingly, he brushed her brown hair from her bruised face. She had refused any synthetics or even cover up to mask the discoloration. In face she wore all her wounds with pride. "Because I have a meeting with Anderson." His heart hitched as her lips settled on his throat. He had to catch her hands before she could work on the buttons of his shirt. "Ashley."_

"_A meeting.' Ashley frowned against his skin. "You're going back to the citadel? Shepard we just got here." In fact they had landed only a few short hours ago. Too exhausted to sleep, they dove at each other until they passed out still humming with pleasure from their love making._

_A smile crossed his lips as he tilted her face so he could look at her. "No he's coming here to tie up some loose ends. I promise I will only be an hour at the most and then we're going to your mothers like I promise."_

"_He's coming here?" This perked Ashley's attention. "There is so much work to so with the council and the citadel. Why is he coming here? Please do not tell me we're going on another mission."_

"_Ash stop.' He kissed away the frown that worked across her brow. "Relax. We're not going anywhere. No way I'm going to pass up on a week of sex for anything."_

_She nipped at his lips and he yelped. "Bastard." She mumbled and rolled over to get back to sleep._

_Shepard rested his chin on her shoulder drawing circles on her arm content with just watching her. It was the first time in a week that he had any time to do this simple action. They needed to talk and promised himself that once the mission was over they would. But he didn't take in account for the whirlwind that waited for them. It was meeting after meeting as they were debriefed and treatments for their injuries. They were hailed as heroes, which gave them not one moment of peace. If it wasn't some meeting with the brass they were being paraded around like circus animals. So they stole what little moments they could before they were granted shore leave at last. Now they had a few weeks to finally be together and talk. That's why he agreed to meet her family because it was important to her and he would do anything to make sure she was happy. After that then he would tell her how he felt. After all they had plenty of time._

"Commander."

Shepard jerked awake and cursed at his pounding head. "Oh for the love of god." He rolled and hit the ground hard. What on earth had he done to himself? He silently wondered struggling to recall what he did the night before. Ice bourbon. Thinking of it made his stomach quiver and he feared he was going to get sick. It had been far too long since he had a hangover and he realized why he stopped drinking. The morning after sucked. He was a commander, he shouldn't have gotten pissed face so bad that he couldn't remember how he got to his own bed.

"Commander." Joker's voice came through the speaker.

"What is it Joker? Because if the ship isn't crashing again I just wanted to go back to dying."

"Just figured you'd want to know that we're about to dock at the Citadel."

That news alone was enough to sober him up. Ashley would be there, did he dare risk trying to seek her out?


	7. Chapter 7

So sorry it took me so long but there was a lot to put into this chapter. Enjoy! If anyone spots any errors just PM and I'll fix em!

Okay anything you see () around is some really funny comments that my beta reader left and I had to leave them in! It gave me a good laugh! thanks swartzvald for looking this over and making the corrections. I'm not perfect but I also wrote this in a hurry on top of that I'm a clumpy typer and well other reasons!

* * *

Shepard leaned over the controls in the comm room still debating on what to do. They had landed on the Citadel over two hours ago and he still hadn't drummed up the courage to step off the damn ship. He had given his crew the opportunity to take a short shore leave knowing damn well that it might just be their last. Shepard knew that Garrus and Thane needed his help and eventually he was going to have to suck it up and get his ass in gear. But for now he would do his best to appear busy.

"Thought you'd be the first one off the ship."

Chakwas' voice came with out warning and Shepard shamelessly jolted up right like a kid caught with his hands in the cookie jar. "Well umm." Shepard shrugged, "Just needed to finish up a few things first."

"Shepard." Chakwas took a hesitant step towards him afraid that what she was about to say would come out wrong. "I know last night wasn't all that professional-."

Shepard waved his hand as if to dismiss the thought, "It was just good to see you have a fun side to you, Doc. Plus I think it was what we both needed though I'm not entirely to sure how I got to my bed. Other then that it was an enjoyable night."

"Then you won't mind if I speak freely?"

The tone had Shepard abandoning his attention on the controls to look at her, "I've always valued that you did, Dr. Chakwas."

"You need to start taking better care of yourself. I know that I can't possibly understand what you went through in the last two years and I won't even try. But I know that you're not sleeping or hardly eating. And I'm saying this as a friend and a doctor, you keep going down this path then you're going to be no good for this crew when we hit the relay. We are counting on you Shepard to-."

"I KNOW!" He hadn't meant to shout or at least not as loudly as he did. Losing his temper wasn't something he was use to. Epically with people he liked and respected. "It's on my mind of every single second of every single day. Everyone looks at me like I'm some god. They expect me to be able to save the galaxy single handily. But I'm only a man. I had a team" Shepard braced his hands against the table fighting the emotions raging a war inside him. For the longest time Shepard kept everything in and made himself think that emotions made a person weak and since so many looked up to him made it impossible for him to break down, even in private. But everything changed aboard the first Normandy. For the first time he had the respect of friends instead of just soldiers. All of them, Ashley included, made him become a person he actually liked. "I have wants, needs, and fears. For Christ sakes I'm afraid of the dark now. I died, Doc."

Chakwas moved to his side watching the strong Commander Shepard break down and shatter like a little boy. She was surprised that he held out this long with out this happening. "John." Using her motherly tone, she guided the commander to a seat.

"I don't understand how people think that everything is okay. How Cerberus would think I would just thank them and be go head first into battle again. Why save me? Other people died on that ship, good men and women with families. People who depended on them… So why save me?"

"I can't even pretend to know what you're going through and I wish I could just so I know what to say to you. They brought you back, John, because you have this way about you that have men willing to follow you in hell. They know and understand that death might be the result, but they do it anyways because they know that you will do everything in your power not to let it happen. And if it does it eats at you." She reached a hand to his shoulder feeling him flinch. "That's what separates you from most people in command. You care about everyone in your crew. You take the time to get to know them and if or when they die you don't just chalk it up to casualties of war. You take it to heart. You go talk to their families and actually can tell them that you knew them well. That's why you're the only one who can pull this off, Shepard. You're not doing this just to give humans a leg up in the galaxy. You'll fight because it's the right thing to do."

Shepard lifted his face from his hands tears swimming in his eyes yet he refused to let them fall. "But I don't think I have anything in me left to fight with." He confessed watching horror cross her face. Admitting it also shocked him as well, he didn't completely realize just how much Ashley meant to him until he lost her. "I didn't know that a part of me was incomplete until I loved Ashley. Since I've woken up every step I've taken was to get back to her, to get this mission done so she and everyone else would be safe. But now that I know that she won't be there after this is done makes it not worth fighting."

It was clear that the commander was just another male that didn't quite understand the female gender. What she wasn't aware of was just how deep his feelings were for Ashley.

Chakwas remembered watching the commander and how he changed after the mission on Eden Prime. He started to lower his guard bit by bit with only Ashley at first and then the rest of the crew. Shepard was the only one she served under that cared so deeply about its crew, its one of the many things that made him such a great leader.

"If you think she doesn't love you then Cerberus must have fried your brain when putting you back together John Shepard." To make sure she had his attention, she took his face in her hands resisting the urge to shake it. "She just found out you were alive. She was hurt, scared and confused. Though sometimes people over look it, I am a woman. so I know what she is feeling. I watched her crumble when she knew you were gone and continue to watch her grieve for you. "

"But what if she's right?" Shepard wondered. "What if I am selling out all my core beliefs because Cerberus brought me back?"

"If I believed that I would have walked away a while ago, same thing with all the others who served with you… hell even all the Cerberus idiots are following you, not Cerberus or this Illusive man. But you Shepard!"

Sighing, Shepard leaned back in his chair doing his best to shake his mind clear. He had to admit getting everything out made him feel just a little bit better. In his depressed haze he must have forgotten that there were people who cared about him aboard the ship. He had friends. "You know the last thing I remembered before everything went blank?"

Chakwas forced herself to ask, "What?"

"Ashley's voice breaking through to Comm telling, or I should say yelling, at me not to die on her. That she loved me. Right before everything went black; I remember trying to tell her how much she meant to me and never got the chance to actually say it."

"Now you do." She reminded pushing to her feet, "We all know the odds of coming back through the relay Shepard and we all seem to be tying up the lose ends we need. Who says you shouldn't as well. Tell her."

O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo0ooo000

Life on the Citadel was the same to Ashley, even after such a long time away. Upon exiting one of the shops on the ward floor she caught site of someone that made her drop her purchase not caring if it shattered into a million pieces. "Tali?" She spoke almost hesitantly. Had she finally drunk herself into oblivion? She really didn't drink that much did she? Or maybe she wasn't really here, maybe she was aboard that collector ship and she was just dreaming.

The Quarian beamed behind her mask, "Ashley!" She laughed when the Chief gave her shoulder a testing poke. "What in the maker are you doing?"

Ashley poked her again and this time there was no denying that she was actually seeing things correctly. "Tali!" Snapping out of her haze, she embraced the woman hard enough to knock the breath out of them both.

"Keelah se'lai don't rupture the suit, I just got it patched." Tali joked. It was very easy to admit how much she had missed the Chief's company over the last year. They had done their best to keep in touch after she went back to join the Migrant fleet. The alliance made that much harder by sending her on secret missions, or so they said. It seemed it wasn't long until the brass began to do everything in their power to keep the crew of the Normandy from contacting one another. "I'm glad that you've been taking care of yourself."

Ashley scoffed at her disapproving tone, "Sorry mom. What are you doing here? I thought the Migrant fleet had you shooting all over the Galaxy."

The Quarian faltered for a moment knowing that she wasn't going to get such a great reaction to her explanation. Garrus had been kind enough to fill her in about what happened on Horizon to help explain Shepard's erratic behavior lately.

Ashley knew that in a moment of hesitation and felt her chest tighten with dozens of conflicting emotions. "Is he here?"

Tali nodded, "Well I think Dr. Chakwas last reported that he was held up in his quarters."

Who else had Cerberus recruited? Dr. Chakwas was a very level-headed woman so for her to join Cerberus must have meant that her and the alliance assumption was dead wrong. Tali wouldn't join either, though she was sure that it had more to do with following Shepard than Cerberus. Yet if they even suspected that their intentions were for Cerberus's own personal gain she would leave. "Shepard hiding?" So did that meant he was just as miserable as she was?

Tali hooked her arm through Ashley's and started down the walk, "yes most likely drumming up the courage to come see you before we're finished here. But I will warn you that he hasn't been taking good care of himself. Just when you see him be prepared to know that the Shepard we knew is gone." And she hoped that once he saw and talked to Ashley again the old commander will be back.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"John!"

Hearing his first name was such a rare occasion that when Shepard heard it he just figured the person was calling for someone else nearby. Even before enlisting he had always been Shepard. Such was the fate of being an Alliance brat he supposed. In this rare occasion he knew that the person shouting the name happened to be looking for him. He would recognize his mother's voice anywhere. "Mom." Smiling, he twirled her into his arms drowning in her laughter. The music was comforting and unchanged.

"My boy." She struggled to maintain her joy when she reached a hand to his face. The man before her was a mere shadow of who her son once was. His face bared new scars, which were being illuminated with a red tint due to biotics and synthetics so far advanced she had only seen them twice in her career. Both times in dealing with Cerberus. "I almost refused to believe the rumors, afraid to be crushed to know they were false."

"I wanted to contact you, I just-." Shepard sighed coming up with nothing better than, "it's complicated." Such as everything was in his life right now.

"You look like you haven't been sleeping well." And that was putting it mildly. Truth be told he looked like hell. With the scars, glowing tint of his eyes, and the bags beneath them it appeared he had neglected himself completely. Hannah could never remember her son ever doing such a thing. What on earth had Cerberus done to him?

Shepard shoulders slumped, "It's hard to sleep. I just keep dreaming of things that only remind me of how much has changed, of things I can no longer have because of what I'm choosing to do." With that came the doubt he had expressed to the doctor earlier that day. What if Cerberus hadn't changed? Was he selling out his soul because he felt like he owed them for bringing him back? Even though if he wasn't grateful for it half the time.

Hannah frowned at the desperation in his voice, "Meaning Ashley."

Shepard blinked at her in wonder.

"I met her at your funeral." Hannah touched his arm urging him to walk with her around the café. "She's a hell of a woman, far more than what you said in your messages."

"Doesn't matter now. I pretty much screwed up the best thing I ever had." Thinking back, he should have contacted her sooner. Should have been the one to tell her everything. Do something to convince her that things were different with Cerberus in this situation. After talking to Chakwas, he refused to believe that he was fighting for nothing.

"Look at me John." She waited until her reluctantly met her gaze. It wasn't often she used her motherly tone. "If you love her, like I know you must, then you will fight. Fight until you have nothing left because without loves it's all worthless. So when you go to her you better let it out and hold nothing back because she's worth it. You don't want any regrets John, not with matters of the heart. I know she loves you. I know that she can forgive you if you're willing to go to her. Because you may not have the time to do it afterwards."

"I've got a mission to do." Shepard reminded her almost bitterly. For as long as he could remember he always put duty first. He was a solder first and put his needs as a man after everyone else's. Even now he felt resentment while helping everyone else. Had any of them stopped and asked him if there was something he wanted to settle before they went through the relay and possibly to their deaths?

Silently, he groaned running a hand through his hair having half the mind to note that he needed to cut it. This wasn't like him. He was starting to sound like a whinny self centered asshole. "Come on let's eat."

"Okay."

"So what is this I hear about you turning down a promotion to "honor my memory"?"

Hannah snickered, "Now I see that I should have taken it. Oh well I guess maybe I'm just born to be on a ship. Think we have that in common, though I have to say I'm the better looking."

"It's Cerberus fault I look so ugly. They left out a few pieces. Now come on I'm hungry!" And for the first time he meant that. He couldn't really remember the last time he ate a proper meal.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Miranda?" Jacob sneaked a peek at her data pad and raised a brow when she backed away. It was obvious that the XO had something up her sleeve, "What are you up to?"

Miranda made sure the data pad was shield from his view, "Nothing."

"Come on Lawson." He skidded around the console to block her path. It was fun to see her blush and fumble. Miranda was usually solid as a rock, icy allowing nothing to break. Or at least that was the Miranda he had known before joining the Normandy. "You think it's wise poking your nose in the commander's personal life? This isn't something he likes to talk about. Or anyone for that matter."

"I know and he's a man who is too prideful to ask for any assistance even if he wanted it. But-.' She held up a gloved hand to stop the ex-alliance officer from interrupting. "-his personal life is affecting his decision making. Haven't you noticed that he doesn't seem to care anymore about anything or anyone? He's incredibly short with people and crude when in the past he treated everyone with a smile and respect. I mean look at how he acted before Horizon and after. He thought everything through and always took the positive route. Even if that meant sparing killers or hurting himself, he always put the good first. Now he's killing first and asking questions later. He's staying up all night and not allowing himself a moment of peace. And it's all because of this Ashley Williams. Personally I'd rather just try to make him move on, but that didn't work so well."

Jacob struggled to keep from grinning, being turned down wasn't something Miranda was used to. Shepard had to be either dead or an idiot to refuse her. "Really?"

"No smart-ass remarks, Jacob." Miranda was only grateful that Shepard, in his drunken state, didn't seem to remember the incident. "The thing is, he's not the Shepard we need. And if we don't get him back we're going to lose this fight. Now he's going out of his way to help all of us it's only right that we at least do this for him. If anything he will get closure and get his head on straight."

"And if that happens we can all watch you and Tali fight for his affection." The look on her face was worth the sucker punch to the gut. He just hoped that he hadn't put the poor Quarian into the line of fire. If Miranda hurt her, he would be the one with a problem.

0o0o0o0o0o0

"Treason? They're charging you with treason?" the idea made Ashley see red. How could anyone accuse Tali of such things? Tali had done everything for the Migrant fleet and would never do anything to harm it.

Tali shrugged, "I don't know what they're thinking and I'm grateful that Shepard is taking the time to help me. After we are done here we're meeting up the Migrant fleet to see if we can get this settled."

Ashley was pleased to hear it. From what Tali had told her a lot of things had changed about Shepard, she was just glad his loyalty to his friends wasn't one of them. "Then you have nothing to worry about, Shepard will see you through this and you know it."

Tali smiled and walked around the room taking in her arrange of photos. A lot of them where of her sisters and days at basic. It pleased her beyond words to see that she had a least a dozen of her time on the Normandy. She touched the one of Kaiden and Shepard engaging in a childish game of arm wrestling, "This almost seems like it was a life time ago."

To Ashley it was.

"I was pleased to know that you got promoted, I tried to send you my congratulations but things got a little difficult."

Ashley smiled at her friend, "I know and Tali I don't hold anything against you for doing what you're doing. If things had gone different-." She was cut off by the sharp knock on her apartment door. when she opened it, Miranda was the last person she expected to see on the other side. She glanced back at Tali with a crossed expression, "Umm."

Miranda didn't wait for an invitation and let herself in. The apartment was small and almost bare expect for her photographs. Heat boiled as she stopped in front of the one of Ashley and Shepard making goofy expression at the camera. Shepard looked so happy, something she wished she could see for herself. "Don't worry I won't be long."

Tali looked at the XO only to remain silent. She had a bad feeling things were about get ugly.

"You know it's polite to wait until a person asks you in."(_Rrrreow_, arches back and hisses.)( Sorry, couldn't help myself) Ashley hit the control and the door hissed closed. Ashley growled at the way she seem to glide around the apartment. Her body moved in a way that reminded her of an elegant ice dancer. "I'm Ashley Williams."

Miranda glanced up from the photo and almost sneered at the hand. "I know who you are Operations Chief Williams. I'm not here for a personal visit I'm here because of Shepard."

Panic arose as her gaze shot to Tali, hoping she could shed some light on whatever Miranda was about to hit her with. "Why? What happened to him? Is he okay?"

Miranda heard the desperation and saw the horror cross the woman's face at just the thought of something bad happening to the Commander. So, she did still love him, she frowned inwardly. It was going to make what she was about to do make her look like a total bitch. "He's not hurt. Yet that is."

"What do you mean?" Ashley demanded. "Why are you even here?"

"I'm here to get you to swallow your damn pride and talk to Shepard. Ever since Horizon the man hasn't been thinking straight and it's because of you, damn it."

"Excuse me?" Ashley's defenses went up as she straightened herself, ready for a battle. What nerve this woman had to come into her home and say such a thing. "What is happening between Shepard and I is no concerns of yours."

"It is if it means getting us killed." Miranda snapped back biting back the bitterness she had towards the woman. She had to put it all aside for Shepard's sake. The man loved Ashley, for what reason Miranda wasn't sure, but he did and wouldn't be himself until he got her back. "Because you're too pig headed to realize that you're thinking is wrong and Cerberus is NOT the Big Bad Wolf. You and the rest of the damn Alliance have your heads so far up your asses you can't even see the real threat. Shepard is the only man who can save this damn galaxy."

"Miranda what are you trying to accomplish?" Tali wondered.

"I'm trying to make her realize that she's got the love a man that either of us would die for." Miranda almost cursed. She hadn't meant to put her feelings out there or throw the Quarian under the bus like that.

Ashley's eyes flared with pure rage, "Did you come here to give me a fair warning you're going to be taking him for yourself?" She hadn't even noticed she had closed the gap between them. For the first time since she was a teenager she felt like hitting some one. "Because if that's the case be ready for a fight, Miranda. You do not come in here and try to tell me how to feel. I thought he was dead, you know what that did to me? Of course you don't because I doubt you allowed yourself to feel for anyone."(ooooo! burn!)

Miranda winced as her point struck a nerve. Anger and jealousy weren't emotions she was used to. So she found it a surprise when the harsh emotions began to pull on her biotics. What surprised her even more was the urge to blast the woman with it.

"So don't stand there and tell me how I should act. My heart was shattered, my faith and beliefs shaken. Then after two years of grieving he walks back in my life, how was I suppose to act? To be told in that same moment that he was working against everything he died fighting for? Yes I know Cerberus isn't the enemy, now."

"So what is your fucking problem?" Miranda demanded.

When the woman jumped, Tali shot across the room forcing the two apart. "Both of you stop." She commanded, standing in place even when they seemed to back down. She knew Ashley a lot better and knew that she didn't give up on any fight. "Miranda you have no right to come in to Ashley's home and act in such a manner. I understand your intentions but your delivery sucks."

"Tali?" Ashley questioned "You're taking her side?"

"Only because she has a point, Hear me out." Tali begged. "You already admitted you were wrong but you're being stubborn. You need to go see him while he's here. Meet him face to face to sort out what you can. I'm not saying it's going to happen overnight, but it will give you both peace of mind that there will be no regrets. If I could, if I didn't know how you felt towards Sheppard, I would do everything in my power to show him how much I care for him. This time if we lose him, he's not coming back."

"I've tried." She corrected, "I swallowed my pride and sent him a message but it would seem those feeling you two are so sure he has for me are gone."

"They're there, believe me." Miranda took a risk and touched the woman's shoulder. Coming here and hurting her wasn't her intension at all, she only want to merely push Ashley into action. "I know you have no reason to believe in anything I say, just know that man loves you. So get your ass in gear and go to him."

Ashley blinked as the Cerberus officer as she left the apartment feeling as if she had been hit by a Krogan charge. It would be the only reason why she would find herself agreeing with Miranda. "Tali." She looked at her friend frowning. She couldn't imagine the burden Tali must be carrying knowing her feelings were a betrayal. Ashley couldn't hate her for it, Shepard was a hard man to ignore.

Tali smiled behind her mask forgetting momentarily that it was hidden. "Don't feel sorry for me Ashley. I'm still young and it's impossible for quarians to show the same affections humans can. It's more, oh how do you put it, a school girl's crush."

Oo0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0oo0o

Come on you coward its now or never. Shepard scowled at the door as if it was a Korgan warrior wielding a shotgun. At least that image was less scary to him then the fact he was actually standing outside of Ashley's door. What was he suppose to say to her? His mother was right about Ashley being worth it. Never did he ever find himself willing to look a fool in the name of love. But for Ashley he was willing to put it all on the line. The only thing was it sounded much easier when his mother said it or even in his head. With them there were complication. There was no way he was going to walk away from Cerberus now, not when millions of lives were at stake. What if she asked him to do just that? Could he walk away from the only woman he loved? Could he, once again, put aside his personal life for a mission? Taking one more breath of courage, Shepard raised a hand to knock but before he could touch it the door hissed open.

Ashley took a step back in shock before she could run head first into Shepard. Though she had warning from both Shepard and Miranda, she still wasn't prepared to see him in such a condition. Saying he looked like hell was putting it mildly. In the dimness of the hall light even his eyes had a red glow to them. Had she been the cause of all this? "Skipper?" She watched his mouth twitch as if he was fighting a smile at the nickname. "I was just on my way to see you. I was afraid I'd miss you."

"You were?" hope had his heart pumping.

"I figured you'd chicken out on coming here so I thought I'd hunt you down instead."

"Okay well here it goes..." Shepard looked her in the eyes, "I will get on my knees and beg if I have to, lets just get that one out of the way. But please hurting you wasn't what I wanted. I know it's been over two years for you and I can't even imagine the pain you've been through on my behalf. But all I knew after the blast was waking up on some operating table and being told that not only did I die but Cerberus had spent five billion credits to bring me back to life. There isn't exactly any instruction manual on how to handle being resurrected and I know I handled things poorly on Horizon and I should have contacted you, but I tried. I went to Andersen looking for information about you but he stonewalled me on every turn, hell even Cerberus couldn't find you until just before we got there. I'm sorry Ashley-."

"Shepard." Ashley tried to stop him but he kept going on. Sighing, she touched a hand to his scared face making him trail off in wonder. "I should be the one apologizing. I could have handle things a little better myself. It's just seeing you after I finally just became okay with the fact I'd never see you again and then _bam_ here you are alive. Then I heard things about Cerberus and what they did and I feared you weren't my Shepard any more."

"Ash-."

"Just let me finish, please." She begged. "I was so convinced in my thinking that I left Horizon cursing you for selling out who you were to those people. Then I met with Andersen and he told me that you were looking for me and that you asked for their help and he turned you down. I was so pissed I couldn't see straight. After all that you done for them, the Alliance turned their backs on you and it made me understand why you're going the route you are. You're not letting Cerberus change you."

"Ashley-." He cupped her hand squeezing it as if any moment she would disappear. "After horizon or even before, I never felt like myself. I don't feel human and sure in hell don't look human anymore. I mean look at me, they put implants in me and replaced parts with god knows what on top of all the synthetics they pumped into me. I just feel so numb and lost. I don't feel like the man I was before."

'I know you're still that guy because if you weren't you wouldn't have gone out of your way to help Miranda and Garrus. Or you wouldn't take the time out like you are to make sure that Tali's name is clear. Knowing you're doing all that lets me know you're still Shepard. You're my Shepard."

Shepard grabbed her face, pulling her to him, their bodies moving against each other as if they had been parted days, not years. He was so overwhelmed with emotions he couldn't even express how grateful he was that she met him half way. Their mouth collided with such force that Shepard had to brace a hand against the door frame to keep them upright. He wanted to be gentle but there was nothing that could contain the hunger inside of him. There was some cosmic pull between them that when it grabbed a hold of either of them it wouldn't let go. No matter how many times they might have touched or tasted each other, it some how always seemed like the first time. No nerves of course, just the raw need for each other.

"Inside." She groaned already tearing at his clothes. "Inside now."

Shepard some how managed to get his mind to work and complied. Hitching her legs around his waist, he staggered inside and fell onto the couch. He forced to break the kiss as Ashley tugged his shirt over his head bringing him back to reality. This could possibly be the last time he ever saw her. Emotions made it impossible to even speak. There was just to much to say and not enough time to say it.

Ashley traced the scars over his abdomen almost frowning at the red tint them. She hadn't really had much time to really think how it was possible for him to be brought back. She didn't understand how much was actually put in him to make him whole again. What ever they might have had to alter Cerberus could never change the man what was John Shepard. Even though he didn't see it now, she knew that when in time he would see it as well. "I know you don't have much time, but spent it with me."

A face splitting smile crossed his face, "what time I have is yours." (awww)

* * *

Don't worry I'm going to have a little flash back scene in the next chapter to kind of polish this goodbye off. Now I've got one chapter left but now its the question of Happy ending or Sad one? I might write both and post them some how. IDK! I hope you guys enjoyed the story so far! Thank you for all those who've read and commented on it. And I hope you like the final chapter. And I promise I won't let it be another month before i post again.


	8. Chapter 8

Okay here it is! A big thank you to swartzvald for looking at this! I'm not sure if this will be the last chapter or not I'm not sure I like the ending. Let me know if it should go one more chapter to get that happy ever after effect :P

* * *

Bleeding, bruised, and half conscious Shepard raced from the collector's base trailing close behind Miranda and Thane. Some stray shots from the enemy slammed against his shield knocking him off balance and in turn making him misjudge the actual gap between the platform and the Normandy. His already wounded abdomen hit the side of the ship hard as he tried to hook his arms around the lip of the doorway.

"You know." He breathed through the sweat and blood, "a little help would be great considering I just saved your ass Thane."

In any other situation Thane most likely would have laughed, but he had very little time to catch the Commander by his wrist before he lost his grip. The full weight of the human knocked the drell to his knees. "Damn, humans are heavy."

"Just pull me up smart ass." Shepard commanded. His shield was draining fast and soon wouldn't stop the on coming bullets from the last line of enemies now on the cliff. Shepard did his best to stifle his cry of anguish as he was pulled inside, he still had to get them out of here. "EDI get us the hell out of here!" He commanded racing after Joker to the cockpit.

EDI's voice broke the comm, "Detonation in ten, nine-."

"Yeah, got the gist of it EDI. Hold on!" Joker slid into the chair taking control of the helm.

Shaking, Shepard gripped the back of the pilot's chair doing his damnedest to remain upright. The task proved to be nearly impossible for everyone as Joker maneuvered around the graveyard of debris.

"Come on joker." He softly muttered, watching the base disappear behind them seconds before the blast hit.

Joker pushed everything from his mind, including the increasing number of people huddling into his cockpit. He had one mission and that was getting them out alive. There was no way in hell that he was going to lose the Normandy again.

. "Hang on it's going to get a little bumpy here." he said as he saw the image of the Collector base detonating in his rear monitor. The ship shuddered in the shockwave that followed.

Someone was praying. Shepard was surprised to find it was him. Going with it, He closed his eyes and continued for either safety or a swift death.

"Fuck yeah!" Jack cheered after EDI stated they had made it back to the relay.

Slowly, Shepard opened eyes and sure enough they were on the other side of the relay. 'Fuck yeah' was right! They had made it and they didn't lose a single member of the crew. It was then, in the mist of all the cheers and congratulations, Shepard allowed his mind to clear. The pain of his injuries had him crumbling to the ground.

"Shepard!" Miranda eased the Commander onto his back taking in the site of his tarnished and bloody armor. "Hey!" She patted the side of his battered face forcing him to open his eyes. They were blood shot and full of tears and that scared her. John Shepard never showed pain. Ever. "Hey now, none of that."

"I told Ashley I was going to come back to her." Shepard winced fighting back tears of pain, "God. she's going to kill me if I die now."

"You and me both, so no dying and that's an order." Gently as she could, she peeled back his breastplate and couldn't stop the cry of horror. How on earth did he manage to get back to the ship in such a condition? His chest was nearly cracked open and had two bullet holes to his lower abdomen. There was no telling what other injuries laid beneath all the blood. "How long were you injured?"

Shepard shifted against protest in hopes to find a position that would relieve the pain. He found none. "From the first wave. Didn't have enough med gel for myself. Had to make sure you all made it. Only had one left after the tumble from the platform." He groaned fighting the blackness from taking it over. If this would be the last time he damn wanted to make it last as long as he could. "had a stim pack left to help me get back."

And he had used it on her when all she had where a few broken bones from her tumble from the platform and a single gunshot wound. "You stupid asshole!" She scolded, cradling his head in her lap and if it was possible she loved him more then she had before. Only Shepard would forsake his own health and life for that of his team. To make sure he kept his promise that they would all make it through alive. What he failed to understand that if they lost him then they wouldn't know what to do next.

"That's no way to talk to a dying man, Miranda." He yelped at the sharp pain in his neck, "Damn it! I know you're angry about looking so ugly but-."

"Shush it." Garrus snarled pushing the blocker into his system struggling to maintain control of his emotions. Leave it to Shepard to be cracking jokes on the brink of death. "We need to get him to the Med bay."

"Miranda." Shepard called out.

Miranda cocked her head to the side her hair falling over the side of her face, "yes Shepard?"

"Can you make sure I don't come out as ugly as Garrus? My looks are all I have going for me right now."

A single tear escaped her closed lids, "I'll do my best, Shepard. But you didn't give me much to work with the first time around I can't hope for the same results the second time."

"Great it takes me dying to get you to joke. Oh well, I guess it was worth it." Shepard smiled and dropped into the blackness before she could even say his name.

"_I have to go." It was the tenth time he had said it in the last three hours, yet he made no attempt to move. He tightened his arms around Ashley and buried his face in her hair trying to commit everything about her to memory. The road ahead_ _was going to be hard and he needed the memories of her to get him through it. _

_Ashley held him just as fiercely, "I know."_

"_You should go visit your family." He softly suggested._

_She smiled against his chest, "Is that a nice way to get me to go and stay out of trouble?"_

"_No." He corrected causing her to lift her head in surprise. "It's more to give me a piece of mind that you're safe. Plus I know that since coming back from Horizon you haven't talked to your family. They're bound and determined to find out and given everything that's happened you know they're going to worry."_

_It didn't surprise her that he still understood her. It seemed like no matter how much time had passed Shepard still knew her better than she knew herself. "I'd go if you asked."_

"_I know, but I wouldn't because you have your career and most importantly you have a family."_

_Ashley shot up in bed clutching the sheets to her chest, "You don't think you'll make it do you?"_

_This wasn't how he wanted this conversation to go. Shepard had made the decision not to tell her any more then he had to. He had put her through enough hell already. He didn't want to do it again, but he wasn't going to lie to her. "I don't know." Honesty was all he had now. "We're going through the Omega 4 relay once we acquire the reaper IFF."_

"_The relay!" Now her heart leapt into her throat as she fought the wave of fear and panic. "No one has ever come back, Shepard. You can't go."_

"_It's the only way."_

"_But why you? Why, John? I just got you back I can't-won't lose you." She knew she was being selfish and that there was no one else who could pull it off. But she wanted Shepard to stay where it was safe. He already gave his life once, why should he have to risk it again? Why did the Alliance have to turn their backs on him? Hell, why couldn't Cerberus send another team out? Or find a less dangerous route to deal with the Collectors. _

"_Ashley." Shepard pulled her into his arms._

"_I know, I know." She furiously wiped at her tears._

_He was astonished at her tears. Never had she never let him see her cry. She never wanted to appear weak, even to him. Being a woman in a male's profession, Ashley had trained herself to be almost cold at times. Never backing down, even when hurt. Never allowing anything to show that could be seen as a weakness. "No matter what I will get this mission done. But I don't plan on dying again." He kissed the top of her head, "I already did that once and it sucks."_

_God help her, she laughed._

_"Good."_

_He meant it, he wasn't going down without one hell of a fight. God willing, he was going to hold her again. _

_"I have to go." And this time he forced himself to move out of the bed. If he didn't he would forget the mission and spend what was left of his days by her side._

_It showed great strength on her part to just bury herself into the bed and keep her mouth shut. Ashley knew if she put her mind to it she could either convince him to stay or to let her go with him. But she knew that she had to let him go. To let him do what needed to be done without her as a distraction. _

_"Do you trust them?"_

_Shepard sat on the bed of the bed to drag on his boots. "I do." The answer came after only a moment of thought. "They all trust me and are with me until the end. No matter how they were picked or who sent them, they don't follow Cerberus. They follow me."_

"_Just be safe." Ashley begged._

_Sighing, Shepard tugged a chain from around his neck and placed his father's dog tags in her open palm. "I will be back Ashley."_

"_You better not make me come after your ass."_

_With one more lingering kiss, he was gone._

Two women chatting pulled Shepard from the blissful memory. After he allowed a moment for his mind to clear he turned his head to see who was in the room because there was just no possible way those two voices would be talking to each other in hushed tones.

"Okay," he groaned against the wave of pain up his side as he tried to move. "Despite the excruciating pain I'm in I must be dead. Because it's the only explanation to why you two could sitting next to each other and there not be holes in the hull. And the fact that Jack is wearing… well clothes!"

Jack scuffed glancing at the fatigues she had on, "And here I was actually worried about your stupid ass. I told the Cheerleader you'd be fine." She gave Shepard a smile, or at least showed her teeth(not sure there, feel free to change it back), before softly punching him on the shoulder, "Glad you're okay Shepard. Now get better so we can do some hunting."

Shepard watched as the two women exchanged a silent conversation before Jack left the med bay. "Okay, I'm not dead," He decided, "hallucinating maybe?"

"Well, after what you've been through I wouldn't put it past you." Miranda sat on the edge of the bed biting back a smile at his confused expression. "We've become a little bit more tolerant of each other considering I've given my 'fuck you' to Tim."

The nickname had him laughing then cursing, "Don't make me laugh. I don't think my organs have settled back into place just yet."

Miranda's expression sobered, "You're very lucky you're talking to me Shepard. (two spaces after period)Lucky that Dr. Chakwas is the best damn doctor I've ever seen. Even with all your upgrades, you weren't healing fast enough."

"Cerberus didn't make me invincible, Miranda, you know that better then anyone. I knew the risks and my priority was my crew." He lifted his hand to his face gently rubbing the stubble on his chin. "How long have I been out?"

"Almost four days. We've all been taking turns on watch since Chakwas won't allow more then two people in here at once. We're on our way back to the Citadel since the ship is in pretty bad need off repairs and I know that you want to talk the council as soon as possible." Miranda helped the Commander prop himself against a few pillows. "I'll go get Chakwas, she wanted to know the moment you wake and told me to tell you not to move."

"Like I'm going to listen to that." Shepard mumbled already trying to get his body to obey the command to move.

"She said you'd say that and told whoever was here to threaten to tranq you if you did."

Shepard held her challenging gaze and decided after a few moments that it wasn't worth the risk to try to test her on it. Besides he knew that he wouldn't make it to the door before his body gave out on him. "Thank you Miranda."

"For what? I couldn't salvage your looks that much I -."

"No I mean for what you did back at the base. I know it must have been difficult given your history with him. You believed in me, maybe not at first but throughout this whole mission you've believed that I would get it done and that I wouldn't let anyone down. For you to do what you did I just don't know how to thank you for it

Miranda blinked back the tears, "The Illusive Man was wrong. We can win this battle without what was on that base. There was no way I was going to risk billions of lives on a thought. I thought he was actually putting everyone's interest first. I was a fool to believe that he would change his ways. Shepard, humanity's hope isn't with Cerberus. Its with you. No matter what you do the right thing even it means knocking us back down a couple notches in the Councils eyes. Humanity has a big part to play is this upcoming war, but we are only one piece of the puzzle. You've shown everyone on this ship that by the team you've compiled."

"I'm just one man though. I couldn't do this without my team, remember that."

"I will." Miranda assured him, "Now it's my time to thank you for forcing me to see that there is another side to me. You showed me that I can be friends with those who serve with me. I think that's the thing I'm most thankful for."

Shepard caught her hand before she could rise, "I didn't do anything but show you the person you actually are and not what you think some one made you be." He was glad that he could instill such a change in her. In their time together he watched her change from a Cerberus drone, or cheerleader, to a caring and warm hearted woman. At first he was hesitant to have her as his XO and now he couldn't think of anyone better for the job.

Laughing, Miranda shook her head, "Can't you just accept the damn thank you Shepard?"

"Nope because I didn't do anything to deserve it. Now go get the Doctor before she brains both of us for you not telling her I'm awake. One tour in the sick bay is enough for me at the moment." He closed his eyes to rest, smiling as her laughter radiated off the walls. It didn't sound so rusty this time around. "Miranda."

The ex Cerberus officer paused at the door, "Yes Shepard?"

"I know you already moved your sister since we left the base, but when I can get up an about I will call in every favor I'm owed to make sure that he never finds your sister. You have my promise as a Commander and friend that no harm will come to her because of this."

Emotions swelled and this time she didn't try to hide the tears of gratitude. "Thank you Shepard."

"Anytime Lawson."

A few minutes after Miranda left, Chakwas came sailing into the med bay beaming at the Commander. 'You gave me quite a scare Shepard." After checking his vitals with her Omni-tool she sharply smacked him upside the head.

"Ouch hey!" Shepard covered dodged another attack.

"John Shepard, you are not allowed to do that again, do you understand?" Chakwas scolded, resisting the urge to embrace the man. She had no children of her own, a choice that she never really regretted because like Shepard the men and women she served and treated became her children. "You keep this up you're going to be more synthetic then anything. So for once in your life make sure you put your safety above others before it kills you. None of us can go through that. And for some of us losing you once was hard enough."

"Okay, okay." Shepard held up his hands in defeat, "I think I should have allowed Miranda to tranq me."

"I'm serious Shepard. I know it wouldn't be you if you put yourself first, but you're no use to anyone dead. Especially us."

Shepard rubbed the bridge of his nose trying to control his sudden frustration, "Everyone sees me as a hero but I don't feel like one. I'm just simply trying to do the right thing and make sure that no one gets hurt in the process."

"To a lot that's the making of a hero Shepard. You didn't ask for it yet you do it so gracefully. I think that's why so many people are willing to follow you. You do all of this." She gestured with her hands at a loss for words before continuing, "and wanting nothing in return. No recognition, medals, or money. You just simply do it because it's the right thing. That's why so many people found themselves leaving the Alliance after you were gone because they seemed to forget that simple thing. They were doing things for their own agenda and not for the greater good."

"What most people fail to see is that for most of these so called extraordinary things I've done I had a great team behind me. I didn't do this alone, nobody can."

Chakwas patted his hand, readjusting his pillows so he laid flat once more. While he was momentarily distracted she prepped a tranq to help him rest just a little bit more. Even with all the upgrades that Cerberus had done his body was still healing at a slow rate. That was with him replacing and pushing more synthetics into the man. It seemed like that two years wasn't enough time for his body to recuperate from his injuries. God knows that in the last few months Shepard hadn't taken much time to rest. Only prolonging the healing until his body broke down on him. "So when we get to the council give them a swift kick in the ass and tell them just that. We're going to need everyone to beat the Reapers."

Shepard didn't object when she injected the tranq into him. One brain bashing was enough from the Doc. "Can you do something for me, Doc?" He asked struggling to keep his eyes open.

"Anything."

Oh hell, he silently grumbled as his heavy lids slid closed. Guess it would have to wait until they docked.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

After some fancy talking with Dr. Chakwas, Shepard escaped the Med bay to call a briefing with the crew. He set up shop in the mess when it became apparent to the crew that he didn't just mean the squad members, but everyone aboard the ship. Tali was the first to arrive and took the seat to the right of Shepard,

"You don't look so good commander." Behind her mask, she frowned at the discoloration of his face.

Shepard rolled his injured shoulder doing his best to ignore the sharp pain that shot through his body. Maybe he should have taken that blocker after all. "You know me Tali it's going to take a hell of a lot more than a few wounds to keep me down."

"I wouldn't say a few." Garrus sat down at the table, " I've never seen human organs before and I can say I don't care to ever see them again. Chakwas wanted all of us to remind you about how lucky you are to be walking around."

Shepard inched away from the Turian, "You don't have a tranq on you by any chance?"

The alien laughed gently padding Shepard's shoulder, "No."

Slowly the room began to fill and the squad members took the seat at the table while the others filed in behind. When he was sure everyone was there, even Joker, Shepard forced himself to stand making sure he kept all hints of pain from his face.

"I've called you all here because by now you all know that we no longer are in Cerberus. Some of you may or may not agree with my decision and that's okay. We all came together to beat the Collectors and we've done that. But they're only a piece of the puzzle and there is still a massive battle a head of us. Most of you were contracted to just this one mission and then be free to go as you please. I'm going to honor those agreements. Nothing will change the fact that I've been proud to serve with each of you. You've done more then what's been asked of you on this mission. You've done the impossible. If you choose to stay behind I'll be grateful to be a part of the best team in the Galaxy."

The room was so silent.

Miranda stood, taking a lot of the deck personnel by surprise, "I'm with Shepard until the end, hopefully I won't die."

"I second that." Jacob spoke up.

"You think I'm going to let you get all the glory for this Shepard?" Garrus scuffed, "Think again. It's time I get some fame and women."

"I don't see many women trailing after me but those who aren't Ash you're more then welcome to." Shepard assured, missing the look at passed between Tali and Miranda. If he only knew.

"I've stuck with you this far Shepard. You've gone out of your way to help my people and me in time of need. I'm not going anywhere any time soon." Tali announced.

Thane folded his hands on the table, "What time I have left will be by your side Commander."

"There is no one to match you battle master, so I stay." Grunt informed, "Plus where ever you go there is always a fight."

Shepard chuckled at the thought. It seemed he couldn't even go through the passageways of the Citadel with out getting shot at. "I'm glad you find it so entertaining. I find it a nuisance when I'm trying not to be noticed."

"This platform chooses to stay with the Commander." Legion voice piped up causing a few crew members to jump since they hadn't noticed the lone geth in the back. "This platform knows you will need its help in time."

"I swore an oath to you Shepard." Samara reminded in her soft tone. "I believe that my time with you is far from over. My job is to protect those in need of protecting and I know serving under you I will accomplish just that."

"Fuck it!" Jack bounced from her chair, "Guess you can count me in to. No way I'm going to entrust your safety to the cheerleader or any of these half wits. If it wasn't for me you're ass would be in a sling!"

"No hunting?" Shepard asked shocked but grateful that Jack was staying on board. Sometimes her heart was in the right place just her actions weren't always the best. In the time she had been on board of the Normandy he was glad to see her adapt to a more likeable person. She still scared the hell out of most of the crew members at least now she was seen on the upper decks trying to put in effort into getting to know people.

"Wants the point of hunting if the reapers are just going to wipe everything out?" Jack shrugged, "This team, besides it once being a Cerberus team, is a good one. Hell it got my ass out alive from the Collector's base. At least I can make sure it stays like that until this is all over. Plus now since no one is with Cerberus anymore means now I can throw a few wrenches into the organizations plans

"As long as no one gets killed." Shepard pleaded as his gaze swept across the sea of faces. Faces that had been through something none of the squad could understand. Both Kelly and Chakwas had tried and failed to explain the horror of the collector's base. Frankly, Shepard wasn't sure he really wanted to know. From what he saw it was bad enough. "Does the same go for all of you?"

A round of yeses and a few hell yeses flooded out from the remainder of the crew. Shepard felt a surge of admiration and pride. How he was worthy of such of such loyalty he would never know or understand.

"All right then I couldn't have asked for a better crew then. We're about to dock with the Citadel. After we finish up there you'll be granted two weeks of shore leave before we regroup and take on this problem head on. Dismissed."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

The meeting with the Council didn't go as bad as Shepard expected. For one he wasn't in handcuffs that alone gave him hope that just maybe this time they would head his warning. Garrus was quite impressed that he didn't deck Udina when he started spouting that it was all some wild conspiracy backed up by Cerberus. Shepard smiled as he remembered the look of utter shock on his face when Miranda had promptly told him they no longer worked for Cerberus. That it was Shepard who destroyed the collectors base taking the Galaxy's interest into consideration where the Illusive man wanted to harvest the technology. It just proved his theory that Udina was still pissed that he had chosen Andersen for the council and not him.

Miranda looked to the Commander sharing in a secret smile as Udina stormed from Andersen's office. "You sure know how to bring out the best in people Shepard."

He gave a careless shrug and struggled not to wince at the brutal pain that shot through it, "It's a talent that I pride myself on Ms Lawson."

"What is your next step Shepard?" Andersen wondered sitting behind his desk. It looked like Shepard was in need of a bed. He had been favoring one side of his body and held his right arm to his side as if held by an invisible sling. The man's face almost matched the color of the Turian's from all the bruising. There was not telling just exact the extent of his injuries knowing Shepard.

"First we need to get the Normandy in dry docks for some much needed repairs. The Ship's just as battered as the crew. Plus I'm getting rather tired of those logos everywhere so I'm going to try to get it resurfaced." He grinned when Miranda chuckled behind him. After a stop by Illium, the crew's uniforms had mysteriously been changed back to almost normal alliance fatigues, minus the Cerberus logo of course. He still wasn't sure how Miranda managed to find a new set for herself given her unique choice. "But since none of us are being charged with anything, I'm granting my team two week shore leave. They need it."

"I'm sure of it. You've done the impossible Shepard. While that is happening I'll be fighting to get you the resources and help you need. If we're going to be able to do this we're going to need not only the council's help but every race as well. It isn't going to be easy."

"When is anything easy when it involves Shepard?" Garrus wondered.

"True." Andersen shook each of their hands being gentle when he noticed the way Shepard winced to complete the act. "Where will you be if I need you, Commander?"

"Amaterasu." Shepard informed before leaving the room.

O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Shepard was hoping by the time he managed to hop a shuttle to Amaterasu his body would have healed a little more. Chakwas had finally nagged him enough to wear a sling so his shoulder would finally set and heal. Moving was still a bitch. Every step it felt like a thousand red-hot needles shooting through his body. He glanced at his reflection and gently propped the healing skin beneath his eye. At least the bruising and swelling went down. Hell even the red tint had seem to have gotten better.

"Commander Shepard." The driver's voice knocked him out of his world of thought. "We're here."

Shepard gathered his bag and exited the shuttle. "Thank you." He tipped the driver and started towards the William's house. Not much of it had changed since the last time he was here. Having been here for so many years, the Williams had done what they could to make the house resemble those you'd find back on Earth. Complete with a white picket fence and something that resembled a lawn. He smiled as he passed the basketball hoop remembering the one game he shared with Ashley and her sisters. He walked away with more wounds then his battle on Eden Prime.

Upon hearing her laughter, Shepard rounded the side of the house and stopped before he could interrupt. Ashley was sitting at a small table on the back porch with her three sisters sharing in drinks and some stories. Her smile was strained and he knew with out a doubt that she was worrying about him. News had was beginning to spread about what happened at the Omega Four relay and along with news always came rumors. Back on the Citadel he had heard a few that made him chuckle, but no doubt the only ones Ashley heard were that of his rumored death.

"Going to stand there all day?"

Shepard whirled around a movement that had him staggering back in pain. "Mrs. Williams." Doing his best to remain upright, he braced a hand against the side of the house. "Sorry just give me a minute."

Concerned, She helped settle the Commander, "Are you all right? I've got some blockers in the house if you need it."

"No." He refused any more of it. On the ship it seemed like some one was jabbing a needle into him around every corner. "I'm okay."

"You look like you can barely stand."

"I feel like it to." He hated feeling so weak. He had been in pain before, especially after Cerberus brought him back, but this pain was bone deep. After looking at his records and the doctors notes, Shepard came to the same conclusion as everyone else. He was lucky to be alive. "How'd you know I was here?"

"Saw the shuttle from the kitchen." As gently as she could, Mrs Williams embraced the Commander, "I'm so glad to see you safe again John. I can't tell how horrible it's been since the destruction of Normandy. I hated seeing my daughter in so much pain knowing I couldn't do anything about it."

"I'm sorry for that. I wish I had known exactly how to find her once I woke up. I guess I was still trying to get my mind around the fact that I lost so much time. A part of me had hoped that maybe she found happiness some where else." Shepard shifted his gaze back to Ashley and found that he hated that small part of him. Ashley belonged to him for now and forever.

"That would be impossible for my daughter. She's never felt towards any one the way she's does you. I came out here because I want to thank you."

Shepard blinked at her, "For what?"

"Ashley told us what happened before the Normandy crashed, took a while, but she let everything out. It was your order that had her helping everyone off the ship and in turn saving her. I couldn't bear the thought of losing her."

"Neither could I that's why I made her go."

"I also want to thank you for talking her out of joining you on your last mission. I know every thing you do seems to be dangerous, but I knew this one was the worst of them. You cared for her enough let her go when you could have easily brought her along."

"I love her, Mrs Williams. I was a fool not to tell her before because I thought we had so much time together. And now that I know just how precious time is, I won't be wasting it anymore."

She smiled and gave his good shoulder a gentle nudge; "Good now go to her before he worries herself to death. I'll get her sisters to busy themselves else where so you two can be alone."

"Thank you." He caught her hand before she could leave, "Thank you for raising the woman that changed my entire world. I will never forget that, ever."

Mrs Williams reached a hand to his face fighting back tears, "You're part of this family, John don't forget that."

Ashley looked up from her drink in wonder when her sister's voices seem to die off. "What?" She demanded at their odd expressions. With thousands of fears and worries flying through her mind, she turned and the world around her just seem to stop. For one stagnate moment there was nothing but her and the man she loved. "Shepard!" In an instance she was up and racing across the yard.

Shepard caught her into his arms crushing her to him as he spun them in dizzy circles. Their mouths met in a desperate and breath taking kiss. "I love you." He chanted the words as he rained kisses over her face. There wouldn't be a day that went by that he wouldn't remind her just how much he did. "God I love you so much Ashley Williams."

"Good." She laughed tears rolling freely down her face, "That's real good because I love you too John Shepard and nothing is keeping us a part again. Understood."

"Aye, aye."


	9. Chapter 9

I know there are mistakes I just wanted to post this.

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Something woke Ashley. Something repetitive and annoying. Groping in the dark, she crawled over Shepard in hope to destroy the stupid noise and found it was his Comm beeping. Her first thought was to hurl it across the room in hope it would shatter against the wall but thought better of it. They had done a great job of dodging all communication from any one and everyone for a week now. As much as she didn't want it, it seemed that their time of solitude was coming to an end. "Shepard." Ashley shook him and got no response.

Shepard's eyes flew open on a strangled gasp when the Chief's hands found the more sensitive part of his body. "God in holy hell woman!" He groaned though he could think of truly worst ways to wake up. "You're going to be the death of me. Did you wake me up just for-."

Ashley smirked wishing that was all it was, "you're comm is going off."

Groaning, Shepard rolled and making sure they were somewhat decent he switched on the video. "Joker!" Any other time he would have been happy to see his friend. "Unless you're being attacked by t he collectors or fell down and broke all your bones I'm ending this call."

"No Commander wait!" Joker desperately pleaded as distant yelling and loud thuds flowed through the comm. "You have to get back here and like soon before they kill each other. I don't know what Miranda did persay I think something about moving Jack or her clothes or something and well."

Shepard heard the nice string of curses and knew it was from Jack, "well so much for working out." He mumbled spotting Jacob in the back. "Tell them if they don't stop it I'll have Jacob push them out of the air…. Wait on better thought are you still in dry dock?"

"Yes and still being repaired I don't-."

"Let them go at it for a while, maybe it might do them good. And if they damage the ship it will just have to be repaired which would piss off Udina. So everyone wins." Shepard simply stated as if it made all the sense in the world.

Well not to Joker, "But Commander you need to come before they-."

Shepard switched off the comm and settled back next to Ashley laughing to himself. He should have known that Jack and Miranda's new found friendship would run a very short course. It was nice to see them try to get along at least. "Guess we should actually get out of the house today? I'm pretty sure I can't face your mother."

"She had four children so I'm assuming she familiar with the act, Shepard." Ashley watched his face flush, "I know Andersen has been calling your for two days now."

"He promised me two weeks." Shepard whined nuzzling her cheek drowning in her laughter. It was one of the many things he missed about her. "But you're right. Duty comes first that we can both agree on."

Ashley skimmed her fingertips over his healing face. Only few scars remained and still had that red tint to them, but now where near as bad as before. "Give me a few hours and I'll be ready to go. Need to pack and say goodbye."

He caught her wrist in his hand, "Ashley you're family. You can't."

"If anything my family understands duty. I'm going with you Shepard."

After a moment of inner debate he conceded. He was going to need the best and Ashley would be needed in the fight to come. "All right. But don't be surprised if we don't get such a warm welcome back on the Citadel. It's been a week I'm sure Udina to start spreading the seeds of doubt." He cursed when his comm beeped again and this time it was Tali with legion spouting out behind her. "For the love of God I've been gone a few days and you're all ready to kill each other!"

"This platform did not think he was in the wrong, Commander John Shepard." He spoke through Tali's on going cursing.

"Stuff it both of you I'll see you in a day or two. Don't kill each other for pitty's sake. We've got a bigger battle a head." He slammed the comm off glancing over at the laughing Ashley. "Believe me this is just the start of it!"

"Well um." Ashley struggle to clear her throat and look serious. She failed miserably. "That's an interesting crew you have there, Shepard. Tell me does the council know you have a Geth on board."

"I won't have one on for long if this keeps up. Going on laugh, but you won't be once you're on board. We will get no peace." Shepard warned.

"Oh I think we can make the best of it. Now come on duty awaits!"

Shepard watched her climb out of bed smiling like an idiot. They would get through this. No matter the hardships he knew were on the horizon they would beat it. And they had something to fight for. Something that was pure and true. It was something that most species envied about the humans. Love was a strong and could be used as a great weapon. Because with out love Shepard knew there would be nothing to fight for.

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Thanks for all those who red and those who reviewed both positive and constructive! Now I"m going to dabble in dragon age fanfic :D


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